How It Is By Junior Junior

How It Is- Dear Library Lady

2012-01-23T12:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Library Lady,

Yeah, I'm talking to you.

Giving me that look as if I've lost your Dictionary.

You can't even check those out.

The joke's on YOU, Library Lady.

Every afternoon, 12:30 on the dot, you try to make it look like you're shelving books.

But I know better than that Library Lady.

Creeping over my shoulder as I log online.

That's right, Library Lady. I'm onto you.

Just because I check Yahoo, and Twitter, and Facebook, (while typing up my papers) doesn't mean I'm hurting anybody.

Nobody is waiting for their turn. There isn't a huge line.

Unless you count the huge line of EMPTY COMPUTERS right next to me.

So why, Library Lady, do you have such a huge problem with the fact that I come in here every day?
How does me, printing copies of short stories and books that I've written hurt you in any way?

I pay ten cents per page for my right to make copies. I know my rights, you Copy Nazi.

You might want to take a pill, Library Lady, because you're looking a bit low on toner.

You know what I think, Library Lady? I think you need a hug. That's right, I think maybe you just don't get enough love from your cats, and you need a snugly sweater to make everything better.

(But for the love of all that is GOOD AND HOLY, please not the Christmas one you're wearing with the little bells glued on it. Soemone call 911, because Hobby Lobby aparantly just vomited and DIED.)
Don't expect a hug from me. No ma'am. No way. Not gonna happen.

Because, until you turn that frown upside-down, (and that swater inside out), you're on your own.

Because Some people just don't know how to have a good day.
Because if you're going to read my tweets, you might as well save your time and just follow me.
Because I'm going to print this article. JUST BECAUSE I CAN.

Because that's just How It Is.

p.s. If you're going to read my stuff as often as you do, you could at least help me out with some spell check, amiright?

How It Is- Top Ten Most Awkward Moments of (My) Every Day Life

2012-01-20T10:58:00.000-08:00

Everyone has those moments where, if they could, they would turn back the clock and undo whatever it is that they've just done.

Unfortunately, no person, nor clock, has the ability to do such a thing.

(Although I hear that Fossil is working on it with their watches...)

This being said, I wanted to take a moment to visit the top ten most Awkward/Humorous/Unfortunate moments that life could possibly throw at you. (Not that any of these have ever happened to me... Especially not each and every one of them... *shifty glance*

Why would I share these with you?

Because, hopefully, it will make you feel a little better about yourself after hearing what disastrous things OTHER people go through.... right? No? Well Okay...

ANYHOODLE, here goes:

The Top Ten Most Awkward Moments of (my) Every Day Life

1. When you go to a friends house, and they have no toilet paper OR soap, meaning:

A) They obviously use neither of these, and

B) You know that they'll know YOU didn't use either of these

2. When you're listening to your guilty pleasure/slightly embarrassing favorite music some place public (I.E. a coffee shop, or a book store) and half way through your fourth time listening to the same song, you realize your headphones were never plugged into your laptop... and everyone around you has heard The Spice Girls four times, too.

3. When you laugh, and make fun of your friend's misspelled Henna tattoo... only to realize that it isn't Henna after all...and now they're super pissed.

4. When you run into a your male professor in the feminine hygiene isle at Walmart, and you're almost positive he's single, with no daughters. (So what's with the pack of panties in his basket?)

5. When you stay at a friend's house for the weekend, and somehow your laundry gets mixed with his... and his mother finds it... (I'm almost positive she doesn't believe 'It's not like that.')

6. When you go to visit your parents for the holidays, and the guy who asked you to the movies in tenth grade asks you out again... as he's going door to door posting his mandatory Sex Offender registry around the neighborhood.

8. When the only weddings you're asked to be a part of are the ones that involve:
A) minors running away together but they need your signature.
B) two drunken exes headed to the court house, and they need a witness.
C) a boyfriend proposing to you because you're breaking up with him.
D) your grandmother and her sixth husband, who bullied you in high school after you tutored him through algebra.

9. When you see a really hot guy across the room, and consider going to chat with him...until you remember you're at a family reunion... and now you need to spoon your eyes out.

10. When you're in the library looking up clothing styles for a project, and the next thing you know, Google has decided that you should see something COMPLETELY different, complete with the sound effects... right as the librarian walks by...

Because Life wouldn't be life without the added suspense of possible humiliation.
Because everyone needs a little Posh Spice pick-me-up in their day.
Because tattoo artists should seriously start spell checking/ sobriety testing.

Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- The Top 10 Reasons Being Short > Being Tall

2012-01-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

1. We can still order from the children's menu somewhat convincingly...

2. We can wear t-shirts as dresses.

3. When we drop things, we don't have to bend so far to pick them up.

4. Baseballs, tennis balls, comets, bullets, birds, and various other flying objects soar over our heads, avoiding collisions.

5. We can wear tall heels without looking like skyscrapers.

6. When we get pulled over for speeding, all we have to claim is that we couldn't see the speedometer.

7. We get to be in the front row of ever group photo.

8. We get to be in the front row of every choir showcase.

9. We get to be in the front row of pretty much everything except movie theaters and major concerts.

10. We can drink as much caffeine as we want, because the "stunting your growth" side effect wouldn't really effect us (even if it WERE true...)

Because restaurants can't prove you aren't 12 and Under.
Because you never know when random debris could come hurtling at you, mercilessly.
Because who doesn't want an espresso every once in a while... or twice in a while... or three times in a while?

Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- What 2012 Means... Sometimes... Maybe

2012-01-09T16:27:00.000-08:00

With a new year there comes many new things:

goals

friends

jobs

The works.

Considering how different a new year can be for individual people, I've decided to share with you, the world, just exactly what 2012 means to me.

Here it goes. Please try not to judge...

(Unless you want to, in which case feel free to exercise your free will as an American citizen... unless you aren't an American citizen... in which case I apologize profusely for rubbing in your face the fact that you aren't allowed to make your own decisions... But I digress...)

2012 Means:

1. Remembering that a PB&J sandwich with a Dr.Pepper doesn't constitute as breakfast

2. Always carrying a cell phone charger on me...

(HEAR THAT MOM? I'M ACTUALLY GONNA DO IT THIS YEAR.)

3. Knowing when to say "no" to a dare, no matter how epic a YouTube video the challenge might make...

(it's never worth the scars...)

4. Continuing to promote that Sober is Sexy, because indeed it is.

5. Avoiding consumption of so much RedBull. I think four cans per week isn't too unrealistic a goal, right?

No matter how badly I may need seven...

6. Keeping my Starbucks VIP Gold card (that's right, be jealous) at home during debate trips, avoiding the mass overloads experienced frequently in the past...

7. Tallllllking muuuuuuch, muuuuuuuch slowwwwwerrrrrrr.

8. Going to bed before one, then waking up before one...am and pm

9. Avoiding DIY projects that I find online... especially ones involving my hair, my face, and eggs.

10. Bloggity Blog blogging.

Because Caffeine is like that ex boyfriend. You love to hate it, and yet you can't get enough.

Because I think my body would appreciate some sleep and a decent meal.

Because my eyelashes are still growing in from that last venture...

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- The Top 10 Things That Make My Day

2011-11-26T16:11:00.001-08:00

1. When my cheddar Chex-Mix is so cheddary, that you can't even see through the little squares.

2. When I find a dollar in my pocket.

3. When a five year old high-fives me because we're wearing the same Mighty Morphing Power-Rangers t-shirt. (different sizes, of course.)

4. When I open a new loaf of bread and it's got that first-day fluffiness.

5. When I remember the extra credit assignment on a day where nobody else did... Even if I totally forgot about the actual homework...

6. When people comment on my blog... even if it is my mother under "anonymous" each time...

7. iTunes' free songs, and music videos every Thursday.

8. A new box of crayons.

9. Buying Tyson chicken nuggets at Walmart, only to open the package and find that they accidentally gave me Dinosaur Nuggets .

10. Songs on my ipod that I haven't listened to in years, but remind me of being 13.

Because the cheesier, the better.
Because a little dollar goes a long way... At the dollar store...
Because you and that old sweater went through tough times together.

Because that's just How It Is

p.s. It's amazing how many people asked me "They have free songs and music videos on iTunes every Thursday?" after reading this blog. Yes, indeed they do. And they're mostly fantastic (a few bad apples mixed in.)

How It Is- The Top Ten Reasons Blogging is a Big Fat LAME Waste of Time

2011-11-22T13:17:00.001-08:00

1. Blogging only distracts from the important things in life. (studies, chores, Toddlers&Tiaras... etc.)

2. Blogging is for people who enjoy LAME things, like basket weaving, pillow making, or collecting little ducks made out of soap... (because that's just LAME...)

3. Blogging time should be replaced with activities that might actually BENEFIT your life, like going to the Gym, dancing, eating cookie dough by the spoonfuls while watching the aforementioned Toddlers&Tiaras... etc.)

4. Blogs are always covered in so many LAME pictures, you can hardly pay attention to the actual written WORDS. (Things like SUNSETS, and HEARTS, and KITTENS...)

Wasn't that SO LAME? Yeah, I thought so too...

5. Blogs are just lame opinions. None of them are ever right. Ever. Never. Not a single time has a blog ever been right. So if they try to give you advice, don't even THINK about listening to it. Because it's wrong.

6. Bloggers who aren't creative enough to come up with original ideas just make up lists. What's so special about THAT? Nothing, that's what...

7. Bloggers are usually tweens who aren't even supposed to have a facebook account, let alone access to public forums.

OMG I LUV JUSTIN BIEBER LOL SHUT UR MOUTH HATERZ YOU SO JELLY THAT HE AIN'T WITH YOU NASTY!!!1! LOL! <3 <3 <3

8. Bloggers cn't spell werth acrap.

9. Bloggers are always deficient in Vitamin D. Go outside, ya LAME-0. Get some sunlight before you start looking like Edward... unless that's what you're aiming for... in which case you're headed in the right direction...

1o. Blogging is for people like me. That alone should be lame enough to make you run for your life.

Because Blogging is useless, nobody reads them anymore.

Because Blogging is the new gossip train. It's disgusting... unless it's really good info, like how I'm pretty sure Kim Kardashian is preggers.

Because Blogging is just LAME.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Lutter to a Rully Beg Betch

2011-10-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

Ukay Betch, here's whats up.

Ukay, like, I'll TOTALLY admit you looked super-hot at homecoming this weekend.

It's totes true.

But excusemebetch what were you thinking wearing the SAME DRESS as me.

Betch you know I didn't eat for, like, a week so I could fit into mine.

Everyone else may have, like, totally fell for your whole "Ahmigawd I spilled teriyaki sauce on my other one and had to find a new one superfast."

But I didn't. I know teriyaki sauce makes you bloated. Callin' your bluff Betch.

I was just like "Whutthuhell?"

And Betch, I forreal saw you hitting on Brian, too. You SO remember that he's MY hubby on The Sims, so like why would you get all up on his grill RIGHT in front of my face?

Like, uh, EXCUSE ME ANGELINA, what are you, trying to snatch up my BRAD?

Puh-leez betch. You know you're still into Jacob Jones. Don't play.

And what was with the HIGHLIGHTS last week?

I had TOTALLY called you up and been like:

"Hey Betch I think I'm gonna get highlights. They'll look super duper hot."

And you were like: "Betch highlights are SO 2008."

And then you GOT THEM.

That totally hurt my feelings. You KNOW I'm all about 2012.

Because you don't even KNOW how tacky they look on you.

Because I'm totally uninviting you to my birthday party next year.

Because Brian isn't my type anymore. You can have him. Surusly.

Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- "We" Means "Us", not "Her"

2011-10-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

"Junior Junior!"

I'm headed down the steps outside of my apartment when I hear someone call my name from across the courtyard.

It's Owen, and he's perched on a railing, where Micheal, another football player and mutual friend of ours, is standing next to him.

"Herro there!" I call back.

"Hey Micheal, this is Junior Jr., my English tutor, you should get to know her. She's awesome."

Micheal shoots him a look. "DUDE. Seriously? I've known her longer than any of the dudes on the team! I was WITH her the day YOU met her."

I'm Owens unofficial English tutor. This basically consists of us getting together: me tutoring him a few hours at a time, while he continuously supplies me with Sugar Free Redbull, and Sour Patch Kids. It's a pretty good system.

"Oh yeah, right right right.... I totally knew that..." Owen turns to me "Hey, did you get my Facebook?"

"I saw that you liked my status last night."

"No, I mean after that. I left a message...a wall post...a comment... I don't know what it was that I left but I left something..." He ponders this.

"Oh, I guess I haven't seen it yet."

"Well then", he focuses in, becoming very dignified, "I'll just tell you what is said - and this is important, are you looking? You gotta look- it said 'Hey Jr....'"He pauses dramatically.

"Okay..."

"Okay, then it says 'I hope.... you get to feeling... much better...'" Another dramatic pause, letting his words dwindle.

I lean forward.

"Then... it says 'We need... to get working... on my paper..." He sees that I anticipate more. "That's it. That's all it says." He leans back.

"Oh... okay...Well thanks Owen!"

"So this weekend I say we put together a game plan!" He grins.

"You gonna do his paper for him?" Micheal asks. Owen slugs him in the arm.

"DUDE, she's my tutor! TUTOR! She does it with me, not FOR me! WITH me, WITH! When I say "we", I mean US, not HER!" He rolls his eyes, turning back towards me.

He becomes very dignified once again, "So, darling, dear Junior. When would be the best time for you? You and your poor, sick state?"

"Hmmm..." It's my turn to ponder. "As long as it's before 1am, then it works for me." The wee morning hours have recently been the times when my bedroom window becomes the conversation-station on campus.

"Hmmm..." he strokes his chin. "We have practice this evening and Saturday..."

"What about Sunday?" Micheal pipes in.

"Yeah! Sunday!" Owen agrees.

"On Sunday, you two can get together..."

"YES! We'll get together!"

"Say around noon..."

"YES! We shall get together at NOON!"

"He'll buy your lunch..."

"I will buy you-- wait, I'm going to buy her lunch?"

"Yep."

"I am BUYING your LUNCH!" He claps with glee.

"And you're going to Junior's apartment, where you will work, work, work until you're finished." Micheal smiles cleverly at his own idea.

"WE CAN DO THIS!!!!" Owen jumps up and down.

"Well good then!" I laugh, "Sounds like we have a deal!" We all three start walking along the railing, meeting up with them on the other side.

"You're the best! Seriously, you are the BOMB!" Owen wraps me in a giant squeeze. "And you smell good, too!"

"Thanks Owen!" I grin. "Well, I'm off to class, so I'll be seeing you later. But if you need anything, just holler. BYE MICHEAL!" Micheal waves from a few yards ahead of us. He looks at Owen:

"DUDE! Are you coming or what!? I'm trying to make it to breakfast! And if you make me late again I swear I'm gonna--" the rest of their squabbling is drowned out as I walk away.

Despite my stuffy nose, I know it's going to be a great day.

Because the sun is shining.

Because I'm loaded up on NyQuill.

Because I know I've earned some RedBulls this weekend.

Because that's just How It Is.

The Official Creeper Board:

We've decided that everyone who creeps through my window has to sign in.

(All of these signatures are from one evening.)

How It Is- The Top 10 Reasons I Really Shouldn't Consume Caffeine

2011-09-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

1. It makes me forget things I've already said, thus repeating myself without knowing it.

2. It gives me the munchies. HARD CORE.

3. It makes my heart pound to a beat that resembles "Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj.

4. It makes me forget things I've already said, thus repeating myself without knowing it.

5. Instead of high-energy, it makes me ULTRA concentrated, so instead of reading assigned chapters, I focus on the fact that blinking is a very complex instinct...when you really think about it... it's so strange...

6. It's easily addictive, so you find yourself craving it every day... sometimes more than once.... Mostly more than once.... Okay, ALWAYS more than once.

7. It gives me "The Hangover"-esque blackouts. (Like that time I woke up in the school fountain with a bowl of acorns, a temporary tattoo of the Chancellor dressed like Charlie Chaplain, and a sweater that read "Once An Oakie, Always an Oakie". I still have no idea what an Oakie is.)

8. It makes me feel like I have to run EVERYWHERE. (from the library to class, from the cafeteria to my apartment, from the police station to the border...)

9. It makes me forget things I've already said, thus repeating myself without knowing it.

10. It's just SO. DARN. GOOD.

Because the Good things are always the worst for you.

Because nothing tastes better than a bag of Cheetos after an iced Latte.

Because I miss Starbucks THAT much.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Party Like a Rock Star... or a Monster... or a Red Bull...

2011-09-04T03:18:00.001-07:00

I'm standing by the door with a can in my hands, and I'm scanning the scene for familiar faces.

Nope. Still no luck.

But I guess that's what I get for depending on a Facebook event R.S.V.P list to tell me who's actually going to be some place.

I pop the tab on my drink, listening to "Pfffff" of fresh carbonation. I'm about to take a swig, when a guy I somewhat-recognize-but-not-really waves to me.

"HEY GIRL!" He grins, "I know YOUUUU! You sit next to me in Biology!" He giggles, waving his can around.

I fake a smile, "I knew I recognized you from somewhere! How are you?" I don't take Biology. Nor did I last semester. But any excuse to talk to someone is welcome at the moment.

"Yeah, I know right?" He grins again. "MANNNNN that was some crazy game AMIRIGHT?" The game he's referring to is the Football game that ended about two hours ago. It was the first of the season, and the entire reason this party was being held in the first place. We also won, which only amped up the celebration.

"It sure was!" I laugh, more at his goofy stagger than the actual victory. He tips side to side.

"Red-Bull?" He looks at my can, "How much Vodka is in there!?"

"None at all", I shrug, "I'm just a Red Bull kind of girl."

He shakes his head... "Man...." suddenly something distracts him, and he walks off without warning.

I find myself alone again, giving me the chance to scan the crowd a second time. I recognize people, but talking to them would involve walking further into the room, which I wasn't quite sure I wanted to do just yet. The people I came with were nowhere to be seen, and the rain prevented me from stepping outside to converse.

I was invited to this party by a group of my pals, who all apparently managed to change their minds and stay home. I've never been much for the night-scene, but this time I figured I'd venture out and give it a try. Experience the fun people are always gloating about.

But the smart kind of fun. Hence the Red Bull.

Just then, some friends of mine walk in, looking equally as out of place as myself. I walk towards them. They seem as relieved to see me as I do them. "So... " Greg begins, "Everybody bailed. Nobody who said they were coming to this thing actually came..."

I laugh "So you noticed, too?"

Tasha observes the room, "Well, you two have fun. I'm going to socialize." She disappears. Greg and I stay near the door. Eventually we move outside as the rain has lessened to a light drizzle.

"Hey Hey Hey!" We're greeted by Owen, another friend of mine who is infamous for two things: 1. Getting wasted, and 2. Getting PARANOID about being wasted.

The first time I ever spoke to him went something like this:

*he and I are both walking outside the apartment building*

Him- "HI, I'm drunk!"

Me- "Hi, Drunk, I'm Sydney."

Him- "Holy Crap! What is that guy over there doing???

Me- "I think he's just standing on his porch..."

Him- "Do you think he SAW me?"

Me- "Ummm... probably...."

Him- "Do you think he knows I've been drinking UNDER AGE!?"

Me- "Uhhhh maybe?"

Him- "Oh no, oh no, ohnoohnoohno... I gotta go!"

"Hey Owen," we reply.

"Are you guys ready to PARTY!?" He looks over our shoulders, "Holy Crap! I think I just saw a cop!"

We all look around.

"I don't think so Owen...." I offer.

"That dude, right there, think he's a COP?" Owen points to a gathering of people.

"Dude, I think he's just a Freshman." Greg assures him.

"Yeah, that's what he WANTS us to think!" Owen disappears.

We roll our eyes.

"This isn't so much fun..." Greg observes.

"Yeah..." I smirk, "I'm still trying to remember why I came exactly..."

Some nameless rap song begins to blast through unseen speakers, as groups of intoxicated minors engage in some supposed-to-be-dancing.

"Greg, please take me home."

He shakes his head "Girl, you KNOW I would. But I didn't drive here."

"ME neither." I pout.

"Guess we'll both know better next time."

"OHMIGAWD HAAAAY!" I'm hugged tightly by a girl from my History class last semester. Her eyes are wide, and slightly glassed over, "You look SO cute!" she looks at Greg, "I mean, y'all BOTH look so cute. Like, I wasn't sayin' you didn't look as cute as her, I just saw her first so I thought I'd tell her before you. No offense to y'all or nothin'..."

"None taken", Greg waves it off.

She looks back to me, "Hay, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm real real sorry If I was a total witch to you last year... Seriously, was I ever a witch to you? Because if I was I'm real sorry. Like, sometimes I think I come across as a witch to people because I was blond in high school. You know? I was blond back then so I think people think I'm mean because of it..."

I nod, having no idea what she's talking about, "Oh, no you were always totally nice to me. You were never mean or anything."

"Oh gggggooooooood", she slurrs. "I'm happy about that. You're such a sweetheart. You see, I went to a bunch of different schools growing up. Actually I only went to one school growing up. Actually I went to a private school growing up. And I was blond so I think people thought I was mean..."

"I nod again "Yeah, maybe they just misjudged you..."

"Yeah, yeah yeah yeah I think you're right, I think you're really really right about that..." she dwells on this for a a long moment, and then "Well, okay then I guess I'll talk to y'all later! Text me!"

I don't have her number.

I turn to Greg. "I give this place about five more seconds and then I'm WALKING."

He spots other friends of ours, who just happened to walk in with the newest wave of attendees. They haven't been drinking, and don't plan on it. He bribes them to take us back to campus, where they all plan to sit up and watch a movie together. I'd downed two Red Bulls, so I didn't hold out much hope for sleep. That was okay, though, because I had some blogging I could do, seeing as I as I had some new material.

We end up back home safely, which it turns out is a good thing:

1. I ended up meeting my next door neighbors, who, as it turns out, are pretty great people.

2. I'm able to assist Owen hours later, as he stumbles to his door puking his guts out, mumbling something about losing count after thirteen.

3. Turns out those "freshman" actually WERE undercover cops, and the place got busted moments after Greg and I had bailed.

Because partying isn't for everyone.

Because a Red Bull rush is better than losing control, and gaining a hang-over.

Because maybe Owen isn't to Paranoid after all.

Because That's Just How It Is.

I know I always say this, but Remember People: SOBER IS SEXY.

How It Is- The Curious Case of Eurydice and Orpheus

2011-09-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

This is part of a humorous story I wrote in 11th grade. The assignment was to use the characters from the Greek tale about Eurydice and Orpheus. If you haven't read about that yet, you totally should... it's pretty intense...

BUT ANYWAY, Read this story to yourself in a 1940's mobster-mystery "radio-noir" voice. It's much more fun that way...

The Curious Case of Eurydice and Orpheus

By Sydney Davis Jr. Jr.

The year is 1948. It's a dark and stormy night. I've been an employee of Private Eye Investigative Company Inc. Unltd. and Bros. for three years at this point.

I'm sitting at my desk, which is illuminated by a single lamp, and I'm puffing on a cigar the size of my face.

Cases have been scarce, so I've pretty much been doomed to reading the newspaper for eight hours a day, every day.

With only four hours left to go, I've managed to perfect Sudoku, whip through six crossword puzzles, and master the art of constructing pigeons out of sandwich tinfoil, duct-tape, paper clips, and a low-fat bran muffin.

I'm one Queen away from constructing the Eifle Tower, when my door swings open un-expectedly.

I'll admit, I was startled, But I wasn't scared.

Just to clear that up.

I wasn't. Really.

Because that would make me chicken... which I'm not...

But Anyway,

After painfully witnessing the collapse of my masterpiece into nothing but a miserable heap, I look up.

I expect to see my receptionist, Gladys, who pretends she doesn't leave the intercom on just to listen to me breathing ( because she DOES...and it's WEIRD.)

But again, I'm surprised. There's actually a man standing there.

He's wearing a long trench coat, and his face is disguised with the shadows cast by his fedora.

(I'd tell you what color he wore, but it was only 1948, so everything was in black and white. You thought that was only the movies? Well you thought wrong. Color wasn't invented until the '60's. Don't believe me? I don't need your love.)

The man stands before me, dripping wet, getting water all over my carpet, which leads me to believe that it must be raining outside. Either THAT, or hes been standing under a garden sprinkler... which I highly doubt... because that would be stupid...

"What do you want!?" I demand.

"I need a favor." He replies, his gaze still disguised by the shadows.

"I don't do favors", I say, "I work for cold, hard CASH."

"That's what I meant, you just didn't let me finish."

"Oh REALLY?" I countered, "Is that so? Because I could have sworn that there was a break in your dialog, followed by what could have easily been mistaken as a complete thought." I felt brave.

"That doesn't even make sense." He replies, coolly. "Besides, you say you'll only work for cash, but I must ask: What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" This came at me like a kick between the legs. I had no idea who this guy was, but I could tell he meant serious business.

"WHO ARE YOU!?" I stood from my desk, demanding.

That's when he removes his hat. I could see he was young, late twenties, early thirties. (I'd say he had blond-ish hair, but again, nothing had color back then so it was just lighter gray than everything else.)

"Gladys, take your hand off the button." I say, without breaking eye contact.

"Ummm... yessir, but I wasn't- I mean I didn't-" *click* she hangs up.

I could tell this man was here for private business. No witnesses.

"What's your name, PUNK?" I ask.

"The name's Orpheus." He responds.

"Seriously, what's your name?"

"...Really, my name is Orpheus..."

I stare at him.

"It's Greek", he shrugs.

There's a long silence, and then: "It's about my wife. I have reason to believe she is having an affair."

I scoffed "HAH! SCOFF! You must have PROOF! I can't just waltz around the city, stalking people because of something my clients BELIEVE to be true!"

He reaches into his coat pocket, withdrawing a zip-lock baggie. In it, there was a piece of paper.

"I'm sorry, but this is all I have." He tosses it onto my desk. It appears to be a letter. I read it aloud:

"Dear Eurydice"... I stop reading, looking up at him.

"It's Greek", he shrugs again.

I roll my eyes, then continue:

"Dear Eurydice,

I'm so glad we've been having an affair. Luckily your husband doesn't know. Anyway, meet me tonight at the usual spot we meet whenever you tell your husband that you're working late. P.S. Be sure Orpheus never finds out. He might do something CRAZY like hire a private detective, or maybe even kill you.

Love,

Aristaeus."

Aristaeus? Geeze, these people really have a thing about Proper Nouns.

"Hmmm..." I toss it back to him. "I suppose this MIGHT somehow lead to suspicion. Perhaps probable cause..."

"So will you do it?" He asks, "Because Thomas Sampson down the street will do it for LESS. And I'm all about bargains..."

I froze. Thomas Sampson? Ooooh... What I wouldn't give to RUIN that sunnuvuhgun. Just his name alone causes my blood to boil. I don't care if he IS my son. That scum.

"I'll do it", I quickly agree. What could be so difficult? Snap a few photos, buy this guy some tissues. I was totally ready.

Or so I thought....

The Top 10 Reasons I Procrastinate

2011-08-26T12:29:00.000-07:00

Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- Pesto Change-oh

2011-08-09T23:29:00.000-07:00

"I hope you don't mind me opening this Pesto. Is that okay? I don't want to eat all of your dad's food or anything."

It's Tuesday afternoon, and for the fourth consecutive time, I find myself at my best friend Annie's house being pulled through college algebra by the hair on my head...and the ends of her nerves.

"Don't even worry about it", she waves away my concern. "I guarantee you he doesn't even remember buying it. He probably doesn't even know it's there."

We're seated at the kitchen counter, immersed in the explanation as to why x equals 2.25, when her father enters the room from the garage, a stack of mail in his hands.

"Hello children", he greets, not looking up. "How's the tutoring going?" We groan. He nods. Then "I smell bacon. Annie, did you cook bacon?" He looks from the stove-top, then back to us, "Annie why would you do this when you know Sydney is a vegetarian?" He gives me an apologetic look.

"Dad... Sydney isn't a vegetarian anymore." Annie rubs her temples.

"Really now?" He looks to me, "Since when?"

"Uhhh..." I choose my words carefully, "Oh, it's been about... three years now?" I pretend to have to think about it.

"DAD, you ask her that EVERY TIME she comes over." It's HER turn to give me the apologetic look. I shrug.

"Well then." Mr. Barry is about to continue flipping through the mail, when he notices the sweater Annie is wearing. "Ah, yes, Stanford. You know, it was a bunch of Yalies that founded Stanford." Annie goes to Yale. She nods. I nod. Mr. Barry nods. We all nod.

As if on cue, Jack (Annie's younger, more eccentric sibling) emerges from the depths of the bedroom in which he dwells, wearing a tweed sweater, shorts, and Ugg boots.

"Ugg boots? Really Jack?" Mr. Barry sighs in defeat, leaving the room before (what I assume to be) a mental break-down ensues. Jack nods. Annie nods. I nod. We all nod.

"HELLO!? Are there any children in there!?" The door to the garage opens as a mountain of grocery bags slink in, and begins to speak. "I COOKED!" A lonely arm wields Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The bags drop to the floor, allowing Mrs. Barry to enter the kitchen in a more civilized manner, while gingerly avoiding them.

"How's tutoring going?" she asks. Groans ensue.

"Stanford?" She questions, inspecting Annie's sweater for stray dog hair. "You're wearing a Stanford sweater? Isn't that some major Yale feaux pas? Some ancient rivalry?"

Annie shakes her head "People from Yale were actually the ones who FOUNDED Stanford."

Mrs. Barry nods approvingly. She begins to remove dinner from it's package, when she removes some tiny round containers. "I made absolutely SURE to grab some extra mashed potatoes for Sydney, Little Miss Vegetarian over there."

Annie and I look at each other, stifling exasperated laughter.

"JACK. Uggs? REALLY?" Mrs. Barry glares, "Go change your clothes. You look like a fool."

"That's what I told him." Mr. Barry enters again. "Oh, chicken, yum!"

"Mom! Dad! You're stifling my individualism! My artistic creativity." Jack protests.

"Who's pesto is this?" Mr. Barry roots in the fridge.

"Go CHANGE." Mrs. Barry insists.

"I hope somebody doesn't mind me eating their pesto."

"But MOM!"

"NOW JACK!" we all yell, as he stomps away mumbling about conformism, and future culture.

The rest of us look at one another. Mr. Barry nods. Mrs. Barry nods. Annie nods. I nod. We all nod, indicating the perfect time to break out the chicken.

Because Algebra is always easier with a friend.

Because Uggs were meant for winter, while shorts were meant for summer.

Because I'm not a vegetarian.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Friends Don't Let Friends Text Drunk

2011-08-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

"H..Hello?" I croak. It's 3:30am, and I have to be up at 6:30 to teach improv at a summer camp for high school students.

"Junior?" it's a tearful voice that comes out sounding more like "JERRRNYER?"

"This is her." I sit up and rub my eyes. I look at the caller I.D. I sigh as I realize exactly how the next ten minutes are about to play out.

"Junior, it's me. Can you come pick me up?" I can hardly hear Owen's voice over the pumping music and laughter in the background.

"Owen you know I don't drive." I remind him for the 15th time in the last four months.

"Oh yeahthatsright," he slurs. "It's just. I'm TOTALLY SMASHED." he emphasizes this with a hiccup, followed by what sounds like a gag. "I was wondering if you could be my Decimated driver...Disintegrated Driver... Integrated Driver... whatever just take me home please..."

"Owen, I don't drive. I don't even have my license... Or a car."

"I know I know IknowIknowIknowIknowIknow... but you can totally use mine. I'll even give you my keys." He obviously thinks this plan is brilliant, based off the smile in his voice.

"How can I get to you in YOUR car if you took it to get wherever you're AT?"

He obviously hadn't thought about this.

"Junior, have I ever told you what you're like?"

Here we go.

"You're like those days, where, where, where it's REALLY super hot outside, but then you walk inside, and the air conditioner is on REALLY super cold? And then you eat a bowl of Lucky Charms..."

"Thank you, Owen, I'm more than happy to be your Lucky Charms."

"Yeah..." he sighs dejectedly, "You're like the White Ranger. So unexpected, you know? Everybody knew the White Ranger should have been called the Gold Ranger. Everybody knew he was just so GOLD..." another sigh, "But YOU, you're the REAL White Ranger..."

"Thank you, Owen."

"Yeah..." he hiccups again. Then gags. "I think I'm gonna be SICK"-- the line goes dead.

I hit "end", then place the phone on my night stand. Just another day being the college "Girl Who Doesn't Drink".

Because people know they can count on you for... well, I'm not quite sure exactly...
Because you earn a unique level of respect from the party-hoppers.
Because Sober Is Sexy

Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- A-Reptile-Dysfunction

2011-08-01T14:31:00.000-07:00

"OH MY GOSH LOOK!" I'm in the passenger seat of my friend Allen's car, and we're stopped at a red light, when I notice something off to my right.

"We HAVE to go!" I beg.
"What about Gator Golf?" Allen pouts.

It was 110 degrees outside, I had on an ill-thought-out sweater, and we'd just engorged ourselves on pizza. Yet he was STILL convinced he was going to absolutely KILL me at a game of Gator Golf.

Well we can still go, I just want to stop by THERE first!" I point. "Oh okay..." he sighs, jokingly.

We turn around, and head back in the opposite direction, pulling into the parking lot. It takes about ten seconds to realize this was probably a huge mistake. "The Reptile Museum" looked nothing like a museum at all.

The parking lot was littered with trash, and cracked pavement, while tufts of overgrown weeds had made the building their designated climbing spots.

The (broken) blinds were down, revealing yellow stains, and caked dirt visible from the lot. It gave the presence of a long-abandoned estate, yet there were cars parked directly in front of the entrance.

A hand written sign declared "OPEN", and it shriveled against a glass door that gave way into a completely darkened lobby. Again, all of this was visible from the inside of the (now locked) vehicle we hadn't even bothered to place in park.

Having done my share of time in the Chicago Public School system, I knew the danger signs. Nothing screamed "METH LAB!!!!" louder than the mysterious movement looming within the shadows.

Not a trace of Reptilia to be seen.

I look at Allen. He looks at me. We both look at the "Museum".

And we haul booty out of there.

Because we can always stop by Petco to see a lizard.
Because the only snakes in that building were the ones running the place. Because I STILL won Gator Golf by a landslide (and I'd never even played before).
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Where there's a Will (Hayes) there's a Way...

2011-07-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

The plan was simple: At 9:00pm, we were going to meet at Starbucks, catch up on old times, and go see an improv show at the iO. Sounds easy enough.

But the cosmos had other ideas.

It's 8:45pm, and I'm on the 22 Clark bus, headed to the Addison stop (directly in front of Wrigley Field.)

As time ticked by, I realize that the sky is getting much darker, much faster than I expected. But that's okay, because I'm meeting up with my best friend of 16 years, and we'll be safe.

9:00pm - I get off the bus, and decide to ask a group of gentlemen where the nearest Starbucks is. They turn out to be not such Gentlemen. Two of them walk away, leaving one behind with me.
"It's right down there baby." He points down a dark street around the corner, then looks me up and down, "Say, beautiful, what's yo name?"

I startle "Uh, oh thanks for the directions." I start to turn. He takes my hand "Hey baby I said what's your name?"

I pull my hand away "Sorry, I can't be telling you that."

"Why can't you tell me?"

I pick up my pace "My name's a Secret. "

"Secret? That's sexy..."

I run about ten feet, and the Starbucks sign glows bright, like a beacon of hope.

I slam the door behind me, breathing a sigh of relief.
I order a drink, pick a seat, and reply to some text messages, when the employee approaches me.

"Ummmm... So you know we're, like, closing right?" He jerks his head to indicate the direction of the door.

"Oh, right now?" I squirm.

"Yeah. Now" I love how they take your money first.

Before I know it, I'm back outside, only this time it's MUCH darker.
And there are NO LAMPS on this side of the corner. But there IS another weirdo.

"Dang baby, you lookin' FINE tonight...."

I immediately turn around and BANG on the Starbucks door.
They pretend to not hear me.
I BANG BANG BANG again,
They still pretend to ignore me.
Finally, I SLAM with all of my might. They look at me like I'm "so rude".
I gesture to open the door.
The one who made my drink ROLLS his eyes, and saunters up to the door.

"Is something WRONG?"
"YES." I direct, "I'm supposed to meet a friend here, Do you MIND if I stand in your lobby until he arrives? I do NOT feel safe out here."
"Fine. I don't blame you. In this part of town? It's horrible. Like, the GHETTO."

That's when I look out the window and notice The Blue Lights.
The Blue Lights are blinking bulbs atop street lamps that indicate cameras. Placed by cops. In high crime areas. I sink into my seat.

About five minutes later, the OTHER employee approaches me.

"UHHH So we're like closing."

"I'm sorry, but I'm waiting for my friend..."

"No, we're like LEAVING. NOW. So, yeah. NOW."

I pick up my things, and I leave. And I bolt it to the nearest open building. I'm leaving Will a voicemail, when I realize I've approached a club, and the doors are wide open. There's even a security guard standing at the entrance, boasting a sign that reads "WE CARD EVERYONE".

So I know I can't go inside, but that doesn't matter, because tons of people are standing there, and there's no law stating that someone under 21 can't park themselves right outside the door. Besides, he was a SECURITY GUARD.

It's 9:55pm at this point, and I'm keeping an eye out for anyone and anything. More weirdos walk by, but the sight of the guard keeps them walking by without stopping to harass me.

I send Will a text. Something along the lines of PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE CLOSE!"

Then I remember he was watching a show. It was after THAT one that we were supposed to meet up.

It's 10:15. Another man approaches me. Something about sparing some change. My nerves are frazzled. "I HAVE NO CHANGE!" I practically yell, causing it to come out more like "OHAVENOCHANGE!" He walks off muttering.

Just then I get a text. Then another. Then another. All from Will demanding to know where I am, and that he was coming to get me.

I'm so happy I could cry.

I see him across the street, we meet up, and I'm saved.

First thing: I let him know he's never going to live this one down. His plan-making privileges have been officially revoked for the next two decades.
Next thing: We're enjoying a hilarious Improv show (on him, he kindly offered) and joking about the how amazing technology is, provided that you use it... Like text messaging (only works when you actually read them.) He's sorry about being late, the show he was watching went over time. I'm sorry about acting like an emotional lunatic.

In the end, a would-be disastrous evening turns out to be pretty darn great.

Because a friend like Will won't let you down, he'll only lead you astray a little bit... or a lot bit...
Because things are always funnier after the fact, no matter how convinced you are of your impending death DURING the events.
Because stranger danger applies to everyone. Even grown ups.

Because that's just How It Is.

.

How It Is - Top 10 Things That Scared Me Today

2011-07-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

I've recently returned to Chicago (after a long absence due to attending an away college), and upon investigation, I've realized that many things have changed since my last departure in Thanksgiving. Some of these changes can be great but others are often quite... scary... Here are the top 10 from today.

The Top 10 Things that Scared Me Today

1. The group of surgeons smoking right outside of the Medical Research Center.

2. The fact that I was expected to pay $4.50 for a water and a Twix.

3. The Fact that I actually PAYED $4.50 for a water and a Twix.

4. The man who I thought was wearing orange leggings, when actually he was just REALLY spray tanned...and had no pants on...

5. The five year old boy who demanded that I "MOVE IT, CRACKUH!" in his haste to Build A Bear Workshop.

6. The fact that I've lost count of how many times I've been to Starbucks today... and the number of different Starbucks I've been to.

7. The fact that a Children's toy store was selling "Angry Birds" figurines... meaning ten year old's have iPhones, and I STILL don't...

8. The fact that there's a security camera in the lobby of my apartment building, even though you have to have a key to even enter the lobby, and a second key to enter your apartment... What the heck has HAPPENED here before?

9. The fact that it's so hot here, a cupcake melted. Not just the frosting, the whole CUPCAKE.

10. People's way of telling you to have a nice day is to instead say "Don't get mugged", or "beware of those darn flashmobs. Crazy teens these days..."

Because there's a whole new meaning to the phrase "fake bake".
Because some kids are just very... DETERMINED.
Because Starbucks is just SO DARN GOOD.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Reasons to luv our Generation

2011-07-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

1. We've managed to compact the entire English language into a series of three-letter acronyms. (Ikr? Lol. Omg. BFF.)

2. We're always 100% sure that our friends are alive and well. (We haven't seen them in 6 months, but they "liked this" this morning, so they're fine.)

3. Pregnant teenagers no longer get grounded. They become television stars.

4. We can "follow" someone, and watch them "tweet" without getting arrested.

5. Everything is bigger: Portions, Cars, Implants...

6. We have 1000 channels with nothing to watch.

7. If you have an abnormal number of kids, we film you. If you're abnormally short, we film you. If you're from New Jersey, we film you. And when all of this gets old, we stick you on a show with other "celebrities" and see how fast you get voted off.

8. If someone has gone to prison, they're record is guaranteed to go platinum.

9. Everyone's favorite day is Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday.

10. Swine Flu has been replaced with Beiber Fever, which is equally as deadly. (side effects include reverse puberty.)

Because we should flaunt who we are.
Because who WOULDN'T want to watch an entire episode consisting of pumpkin people contracting further melanoma?
Because Bigger is Better

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Is It Normal When...

2011-06-29T23:09:00.001-07:00

I yell things like "AWWW SNAP!" and "AH NAW SHE DIH-INT!" out loud while I'm watching Maury... alone... In my pajamas...

I eat the chocolate from around the peanuts in peanut m&m's, then stack the peanuts and eat them last.

I can't spell "Bananas" without singing the Gwen Stefani song to myself. (Including while I typed this sentence.)

I can't remember the last time I drank water without some sort of flavor shot, or powder mix stirred up in it.

iTunes trumps Groceries most every week...

I stay awake until 2am watching documentaries about ancient Chinese Concubines...

I hold my breath when the telephone rings because I'm afraid the tele-marketer will hear me, and know I'm home.

I put classic movies on ,and hold voice-over parties with my older brother (you'll never watch Star Wars or Jurassic Park the same way again...)

I laugh really hard every time CNN's headlines read something along the lines of "Weiner Pictures Released", "Weiner Exposed", and "Weiner Faces Hard Times". (I know I'm supposed to be a mature adult, but COME ON.)

I'm STILL secretly begrudged against my mother for not naming me Pocahontas.

Because you totally just sang that song to yourself just then.
Because plain water can be plain boring... the heck with health concerns.
Because maybe Oscar Meyer will consider an endorsement deal.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- The Top 20 Things I Should Seriously Consider Not Doing Anymore

2011-06-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

1. Impersonating people WHILE I'm talking to them... (I can't help it when they stand like that...)

2. Collecting live hedgehogs. (It's becoming borderline intervention-worthy...)

3. Writing letters, sealing them, stamping them, then not sending them.

4. Prank calling businesses.

5. Prank calling business owners.

6. Prank calling people who's names sound like someone who would own a business.

7. Grabbing my curling iron from the wrong end.

8. Replying to my professor's emails with "Guuurl whu-evuh. Txt me for sho."

9. Justifying my frequent bad decisions with "Well I just wanted to see if I could do it..."

10. Eating Mellow Mushroom Pizza as often as I do.

11. Changing clothes 30 times only to end up wearing the original outfit I had picked.

12. Arguing with the Po-Po.

13. Arguing with the Judge.

14. Arguing with the Booking people.

15. Arguing in general...

16. Covering shifts for people at work because I don't want to hurt their feelings (thirty hours in two days isn't necessarily healthy...)

17. Breaking out in hives every time I pass a Build-A-Bear.

18. Believing lies so easily. (Cameron.)

19. Trying DIY projects that I find on the internet.

20. Building my entire day-off solely around how much I can sleep and eat.

Because people don't necessarily think their posture/accent/or crossed eyes are funny.
Because there's such thing as a caller-I.D.
Because I never want to work in Children's Retail again.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- You Know it's the Summer-time When...

2011-06-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

1. You can't tell the difference between the odor from the onions on your nachos, and the odor from the person MAKING your nachos.

2. Your Mom's middle school students have the free-time to "like" everything you post on Facebook. (Including all 550 of your photos... each day... all summer... Only three months to go...)

3. Good television shows play during the afternoon.

4. You wake up from a nap still drenched from the shower you took... until you remember you didn't take one.

5. Even your plants don't want to be outside.

6. Snakes...

7. You can't leave candy bars in the car... or crayons... or cans of coke... or pretty much anything else that might melt/combust...

8. Trendy clothing stores take all of their winter sweaters, slash them up, and sell them again for twice as much.

9. You can smell the crispy-bacon aroma of people's tanning bed habits.

10. The local E.R. turns you away because the surgeon "can't possibly miss" his flight to Bermuda. Put some ointment on it. And a Band-Aid. You'll be fine.

Because Summer is Summer

Because it's hotter than sin

Because Band-Aids heal everything... almost

Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- Dear Extended Family...AGAIN

2011-06-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Extended Family,

I know I tend to blog about you more often then not...
(Okay, so I blog about you ALL THE TIME)

But I want you to know that it isn't because I'm mortified by your tendencies to:

operate back-woods meth labs,

steal people's expensive dogs,

spike the punch at Kindergarten graduations,

take pictures of your topless selves and post them online. (and that goes for the ladies, too.)

I'm not even embarrassed by the fact that I'm pretty sure a lot of you are much closer related then you even realize... If you know what I mean...

(Who am I kidding... You guys have no idea what I'm referring to.)

I simply choose to blog about you the most because you're just so darn entertaining.

Like that time Cousin Tameka bought that Bengal tiger from that black-market dealer, and kept it hidden in her closet for six months. (Who would have thought wild cats would eat so many Cheerios?)

Priceless.

Or that time Bo Jr. ordered Svetlana offline, and she actually arrived IN A BOX? That was true love right there. (Too bad Igor, her husband, wanted her back so fast. I can't imagine why he would be so upset.)

So cute.

Or even that time Trini J. passed out her "special" DVDs to all of the fathers at the "Doughnuts for Dads" breakfast at Thomas Elementary School. (Boy was she popular after that...)

Silly Trini.

So whenever I decide to write something about you all, consider it a complement, not a complete air-drying of our family's dirty laundry.

Because it doesn't take a village to completely SCREW UP a child.
Because we're all in this together. ("this" being the county jail.)
Because you can't pick who you're related to, so you learn to make due.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Family Humiliation = Total Inspiration

2011-05-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

Everyone, everywhere, has that ONE member of the family who makes every Christmas/Thanksgiving/Easter and or 4th of July just a LITTLE MORE interesting in their own special way.

I, however, have been blessed with about TWENTY of those people. Instead of gawking and gasping over the events of their all-too-public personal lives, I've learned to not only embrace these individuals, but use them in an effort to boost the creativity in my writing.

In other words, there are some things you just can't make up yourself. For example:

Aunt Jucinda : The one who's monthly misspelled-garage-quality tattoo serves as the ice breaker to just about every family gathering since 1991. (That's when she decided to debut her "Peice to the World", and "F*** the PoPo" twin wrist designs.)

Cousin Trini J. : Born "Isabella Jamison", she changed her name to appear more appealing to the adult entertainment industry. It worked.

Cousin Gabe : The token Vegan: who's banned from Thanksgiving ,specifically, in the event that he might attempt another disastrous "Operation Turkey Rescue". (Thus causing Aunt Jucinda's flood insurance to skyrocket AGAIN.)

Aunt Shelly : Refuses to believe she's Caucasian. And Female.

Uncle Thurman : In jail for embezzlement, as well as domestic violence, theft, grand theft auto, and attempted murder. Refuses to believe Aunt Shelly's female.

Marla Turner : Nobody really knows how she's related to the family. She's just been showing up to family holiday dinners for the last few years. (So far, nobody's willing to question her about it.)

and finally,

Uncle Jim : Made the "local celebrity" list after appearing on February 16th episode of Jerry Springer titled: "I got my Neighbor pregnant, but I'm really in love with her Mother's Mother." The episode was so popular, that now there's a gift shop run out of the local tobacco store. (You can also find Trini J's movies there as well.)

Now, most people might be thinking "Why are you proud of these animals?" or "This is absolutely disgusting. I'm never visiting this blog again."

However, I've decided to wear this crooked...if not completely disturbing... family badge with honor. Because it's people like this that keep me from getting writer's block... as well as a slew of genetic oddities...

Because every family has it's characters.
Because I never said I'd be alone in a room with any of these people.
Because Family is Family.
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- My Funeral Plans

2011-04-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, my lit professor got started in on the topic of funerals, about how sad and depressing they were for those of us still living who were obligated to attend them.

She had a pretty good idea about how her OWN funeral was going to happen, describing how there would be much splendor and dancing had by all (well…except by herself obviously), and a live band performance to commemorate her life. “That’s the kind of sendoff we all OUGHT to have,” she declared, and then continued on reading Robert Frost aloud.

It was at that moment that I began to ponder:

What if I were to croak, right here. Right now. Would I end up as one of those aforementioned depressing-funeral-having individuals, or would I go out with a BANG?
I decided right then and there that I would PUBLICLY announce my funeral plans. This way, there is no mistake as to how I’m going to be shipped to heaven after I kick the bucket:

1. It’s going to be a RAGING PARTY, not a bring-your-own-hankie sort of thing. (So help me if I see ONE tear being shed during the event, I will haunt you. You think I’m kidding...)

2. The Menu will consist of a buffet-style combination: Red Bull (regular and sugar free), Wow Bao (Delicious. Please Google them), buffalo wings, and bowl after bowl of peanut M&M’s. If you can’t get the wow bao or the RedBulls, then I want those little snacks made out of gummy worms, pudding and Oreo’s. You know, the ones that are supposed to look like mud? I want those in little cupcake cups.

3. There will be a dance competition. Complete with a first place trophy and everything. I have a playlist on my iPod for club music, so all it would need is to be hooked up to a sweet stereo-system. (The rest is up to the phat beat…)

4. Story time: People would have the opportunity to tell the most embarrassing stories about things I did/ said, and I wouldn’t be able to stop them due to the fact that I would be somewhat deceased by this point, rendering me immobile, and increasingly incapable of coming to my own defense.

5. I WAS going to ask that I be cremated, and that my ashes be spread as close to The Bean (in Chicago) as I could possibly get, but then I realized the closest body of water is that fountain that all the little kids from the city come to splash in. I’d hate for me and my ashy self to froth up all that water and scare the poor tots away. (Looking like some twisted version of a Starbucks Cappuccino…) So maybe I’ll just go traditional six-feet-under style…

6. There should be a photo booth. Nuff said.
I hope at that point I’ll have had enough of an impact on society that Coldplay, U2, Katie Perry, Taylor Swift, or even Beyoncé might be willing to come perform. But who knows… All I know is that the very last request I have is this: Have fun. Let loose. Enjoy yourself. Wear comfy clothes. Also... a rap-battle would be nice....

Because It’s MY funeral, so I’ll make up the rules thankyouverymuch.
Because you only get to die once.
Because if people are going to have to be there ANYWAY, they might as well enjoy themselves.
Because that’s just How It Is.

How It Is- Cigs

2011-04-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

FLASHBACK:
It's Summer 2010, and my best friend and I have only been 18 for a few months.
It's about 11:00 at night, and we're on one of our usual I'm-bored-lets-go-to-walmart trips, when she looks at me and says:

"Let's buy some cigarettes!"

I look at her like she's INSANE, because:
1. Neither of us DO (nor WILL WE EVER) smoke.
2. She's the last person on EARTH who I would have ever
pictured suggesting such a thing.

"Not to SMOKE them! Just because we're 18, and we can." She laughs.

I consider this. True, I'm finally a legal adult, and I have yet to do anything 18 year olds do, like order something off television, vote (although I WAS registered) or buy cigarettes.

So we get in line. We try to act nonchalant, but at the same time we can't help giggling at how "bad" we are. We finally get to the counter, and there's a lady behind the counter who slightly resembles a dragon. We hand her our chips, sodas, and various other items, when my best friend says, innocently:

"I would like a pack of Marlboro's please." She smiles.

The woman behind the counter glares.
The man in line behind us laughs.

"Which kind..." the dragon breaths.

My best friend pretends to consider her choices. "Hmmm...The blue ones?"

The Dragon goes to the case, and pulls out a pack. Then:
"Okay, you know what? I'm going to need some I.D."

We present out cards.

The dragon points at us "You two? Yeah, you do NOT need to be smoking. Nun-uh, DON'T even think about it."

The man behind the us chuckles, "I can tell you ladies have never bought cigarettes before."

My best friend stammers "Oh, no, no, I wasn't going to SMOKE them, I just wanted to see what it was like to buy them! I swear!"

Dragon Lady turn to me "Are these for YOU then?"

I balk "What? No! I just got my braces off! My mom would kill me!"

Dragon lady points to her face: "Look at me. Look at my face. How old do you think I am?"

We looked at each other nervously. Being generous, I offered "Fifty Five?" (that's shaving off about 18 years of my REAL estimate.)

"I'm forty-two. Forty-two years old. You know why I look like this? Because I started smoking when I was YOUR age. You ladies are beautiful. Want to screw that up? Keep buying these. Otherwise, don't even think about it."

We thanked her, paid, and BOOKED it out to the parking lot.

And we trashed them instantly, all excitement gone without a trace. Something that started out as a fun little summer adventure somehow turned into a humiliating lesson on life.

And yet it was one of the most effective lessons I could have ever gotten. No matter how many pictures they hang up, or videos they force you to watch in elementary school, you never TRULY figure things out until you see them for yourself.

Because that Dragon Lady was right.
Because I'll never forget that seemingly-normal trip to Wal-mart
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Trash (a very short blog)

2011-04-14T09:48:00.001-07:00

Last Night, I put my trash on my porch.

Later when I went to take it out, it was nowhere to be seen.

Now it's back.

So between 10:30 last night, and 11:30 this afternoon, a trash-caper stole my trash, did whatever it is that trash capers DO with trash, then put it back.

Geeze...He at least could have taken it to the dumpster

How It Is- Weird Quirks (aka FLAUNTIBLE traits)

2011-04-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

Everybody has stuff they do that's WEIRD. Everybody has something about them that everybody ELSE considers "out of the ordinary", "unusual", or sometimes borderline creepy...

But whatever the case, it's important that people realize it's THESE quirks that make them individual, and one-of-a-kind...(Except for the creepy ones...you might want to seriously consider changing THOSE traits...)

So instead of listening to people when they tell you not to be yourself, go home, take a good look at in the mirror, and say "SO WHAT!?"

Take ME for example:

So what
I eat my pizza with a fork?
I use tanner-from-a-tube?
I can't add 25 + 25 in my head... (it's 30, right?)

BIG DEAL.

So what I think that comfy trumps sexy ANY DAY of the week,
That I separate the chocolate from the peanut m&m's, and make a stack of the peanuts to eat last.
and that I re-fill my disposable water bottles, even though I have the
eco-friendly ones in my cabinet.

GEE WHIZ.

So what I sometimes eat tuna straight from the can,
and wear black with brown,
and silver with gold,
and stripes with plaid,
and tan with...mauve? I don't know,
whatever color it is that you aren't supposed to wear tan with....

I don't own any tan clothes...
But you can bet your booty that If I DID,
I'd wear them with Mauve. All the time.

SO WHAT that at restaurants, I order water with a plate of lemons
and make my own lemonade.(It's so much better that way)

Who cares if I run laps all afternoon JUST because I know I'm going
to a birthday party, and there WILL be cake, and I WILL eat some.
Cake is delicious.

It's my business how often I wear the same jeans,
and how long I waited before writing the paper due this afternoon,
and if I use Dictionary.com instead of Webster's when I look up words like
"adjudicate", "hegemony", "concomitant", and "diaphanous".

(it's also okay if I Googled "hard words" in order to finish that list.)

Because everybody does things differently.
Because weird is just another adjective.
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Bad Ideas

2011-04-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

Life is full of choices, decisions, and options. Some are large and monumental (who to vote for, where to move, butter or margarine, etc.) and some are small (which color pen, which flavor of pudding, leave or pickup the hitch hiker, etc.)

However, with every decision we make as humans, we open ourselves up to the possibility of an occasional BAD IDEA.

For example:
1. Being the Tin Man for Halloween under a thunderstorm watch.

2. Using canned cat food as tuna replacement because "It-all-comes-from-the-same-place."

3. Accepting a friendly looking man on the street's offer to hold your purse while you tie your shoe.

4. Drinking a monster after having chocolate covered espresso beans for breakfast.

5. Eating ESPRESSO BEANS FOR BREAKFAST.

6. Asking a customer if their rubbers fit. (They won't understand you mean rain-boots)

7. Giving Peanut Butter Cookies to someone who is allergic to SOMETHING, but you just can't quite remember what...

8. Working in Children's retail for over two years.

9. Buying a Furby, a Gizmo, or anything else that even slightly resembles a live animal, when it IS NOT A LIVE ANIMAL.

10. Eating beef-jerky with braces

As you can see, with all of life options, there are many you shouldn't take. Just because they're there, doesn't mean they're "okay", safe, or in any way appropriate for any reasoning whatsoever.

Because sometimes things sound better in your head.
Because individuality does not mean the same thing as sanity.
Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- Thus Is My Life

2011-04-04T14:50:00.000-07:00

Three years ago: The front window in my parent's house was cracked during an ice storm.
Three years later: The front window is still cracked. And duck-taped. And covered in tinfoil.

Rewind to 2010:
My mom and Kevin have been together since I was twelve, and they wanted to wait and get married after I graduated high school.

NOW, my mom refuses to marry Kevin because he won't fix the window.
But she also won't TELL him that she refuses to marry him because he won't fix the window.

So now I've been out of high school for a year, there has been no wedding, Kevin is confused, Mom is still perturbed, and the window is STILL broken.

FAST FORWARD: March 2011
My mom goes to a flower shop in hopes of planting for Spring.
She comes across an AMAZING sale on Hydrangea bushes.

Kevin has always wanted Hydrangea bushes.

My mom is about to purchase these bushes at their once-in-a-lifetime price, when she realizes that the only space available in the entire yard to plant these bushes would be (you guessed it) beneath THE WINDOW.

Long story short:
She doesn't purchase the bushes, but makes SURE she tells Kevin how amazing the price was, and her specific reason as to why she didn't purchase them.

That afternoon, Kevin called to get the window fixed.

So, three and a half years of begging, pleading, bargaining, and threatening meant a house with foil on the windows, but ONE conversation about discount hydrangea bushes means not only a fixed window, but a replacement window sill, and glossed wooden shutters.

Because THUS IS MY LIFE.
Because that's just HOW IT IS.

How It Is- Spring Bah-Humbug ( 1 Year Tribute)

2011-04-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

It Is Official.

I am a Spring Bah-Humbug.

I. Hate. Spring.
It's the most OBNOXIOUS time of year.

Summer? Yeah, we're cool.
Autumn? My personal fave. SO BEAUTIFUL.
Winter? A little chilly, but I love turtle necks, so that's no biggie.

But SPRING????
It's not even here, and yet I already LOATHE it.

THE REASONS I HATE SPRING

Reason #1:

THESE

THESE MAKE ME SICK.
They are SO cute, and SO helpless, and they make me feel guilty about things I didn't even DO.

Go away baby animals. Why don't you just GROW UP

Reason #2

THIS CRAP

It gets EVERYWHERE, and It STAYS there!
In your hair,
In your clothes,
even in your MOUTH, and half the time, the easter grass you pull out of your mouth isn't even the same kind you had in your basket to BEGIN with.

Reason #4

Uhhhhh Yeah, need I say more?

The thing about spring is, It's warm enough to go outside, but it's too cold to wear summer clothes.

So you're hanging out with relatives
Who think you're too old too hunt eggs,
but too young to join in on the conversation,
but too old to wear pink,
but too young to wear whatever it is you're wearing
(even though you're two years older then they were when they got MARRIED)

And they don't want to cut into the cake or pour any iced tea until your cousin
LEROY gets there, and you try to remind them that cousin LEROY is in jail right now, and that even BEFORE he was in jail, he never showed up anyway, so can you PLEASE have some iced tea now? They then look at you like you just said you hated Jesus or something.

And they make you wait until everyone else has gotten their food.
Even the babies.
Only to tell you that, sorry, you aren't allowed to sit at the grown-up's table.

(even though cousin KATHLEEN is, and she's only fourteen. But I guess since I don't have a baby yet, I'm not mature enough to sit there.)

Because That's Spring.

How It Is- Things I Learned in Portland

2011-03-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

1. If a restaurant has creepy dolls and dead animals hanging from the ceiling, the food most likely reflects the interior design...meaning it's BAD.

2. It's possible to eat delicious meals for less than $5.50 every day for an entire week.

3. Beware of the Mallards. They come crashing from the sky at unexpected moments...and they have zero landing skills.

4. If it has blacked out windows, that doesn't mean it's closed. That just means you have to be 18 to enter....

5. What getting Pi-Kapped REALLY means.

6. Hooters apparently serves seafood, while chocolate tastes great with salt.

7. Parking meters are a sham, especially when they're stationed outside of businesses named "Hung Far Low" and "Kim Jong Grill".

8. You can eat spaghetti inside of a trolley car, inside of a building.

9. Don't mess with Sea Lions. Even though they don't have legs, they can still run fast.

10. Things are much more interesting when the entire trip is narrated by someone with a British accent, while also pumping Monty Python songs through the speakers.

Because That's just How It IS

How It Is-The Top 10 Most Forgettable-Yet-Highly-Important Things In Life

2011-03-12T20:51:00.000-08:00

1. A Can Opener- You Don't always need one, but when you don't have one, it's a PAAAAIN.

2. Tweezers- Whoever invented these... I applaud you.

3. Air Freshener- Don't even get me started. I'm just glad it exists.

4. Tupperware- Have you ever tried Glad-Wrapping leftover pudding? Yeah, not pretty.

5. Index Cards- Studying, writing memo's, carding into locked apartments...they're handy for anything!

6. Hand Sanitizer- Great for removing permanent marker from wood, plastic, metal, human faces...

7. Old Debit Cards- Great for when you don't have any index cards.

8. A Spare Toothbrush

9. Rubber Gloves

10. Rubber Bands- This one's along the lines of Air Freshener. Don't even get me started.

Because the little things in life help things run smoothly.
Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- You Know It's the 21st Century When...

2011-03-01T17:33:00.000-08:00

1. Your cell phone can't spell the words "panda", "sorority", or "Thanks", but it CAN automatically default to "Pootang", "krunk", and "YouTube".

2. Your iPod can connect to the web, find cheap gas stations, and order your favorite Starbucks drink faster than you.

3. Children under the age of 6 have laptops.

4. Children under the age of 6 have Facebooks.

5. Children under the age of six know how babies are made because they saw it on "Nip/Tuck".

6. You can see certain photos posted of your boss/teacher at that one party last weekend, and STILL have the courage to look them in the eye afterward.

7. Subway is considered a diet.

8. Celebrities wearing raw steaks are considered "fashionably daring!"

9. Your grandparents delete you as a friend.

10. Your mom responds "LOL,OMG!" when you ask her to pick up some milk.

11. Books can be uploaded, and downloaded.

12. Being a college virgin makes you "Whoa, like, a totally extinct species or something!"

13. A "Snookie" is loose and roaming the shores of New Jersey.

14. The U.S. declares war on Pirates.

15. Kids have never heard of Playdoh or Lisa Frank.

16. They take the "N" word out of "Huckleberry Finn".

17. Middle School kids weren't alive during 9/11.

18. People can do something called "Googling" you, and you won't feel violated.

19. If you're a "small person" or have 1000 kids, you get your own show on TLC.

20. Your day gets better with the number of people who "Like This".

Because your iPod is smarter than you.
Because 6 year olds know how to get what they want.
Because reality TV needs serious HELP.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Best Quotes So Far This Year

2011-02-19T13:05:00.000-08:00

Being in college, I find myself in many more hilarious/ random/ awkward situations than ever before. I decided to commemorate some of the best/ most shocking ones of this year. Enjoy! (more will soon be added)

1. (Trae after texting a girl who spelled every word wrong)
So you know that chick who couldn't make coherent sentences? Well, she wouldn't stop texting me, so I decided to only respond in Spanish. After a while she got pretty mad. She was like "USE ENGLISH!" and I was like "YOU FIRST!"

2."You know, I come in here every afternoon and order the Club Sandwich. Never ONCE have they asked to see my membership card. Haha...suckers..."

3."I hate it when people answer questions in class. They're always wrong, and they waste my time."(a friend talking about classmates)

4."There are many diseases that can be obtained from harlots... AND your friends... SO BE CAREFUL PEOPLE!" (Dr. Matthews)

5."You know the reason this book costs so much? Because they put so much CRAP in it..." (Dr. Matthews flipping through the Brit Lit text book.)

6."Do you guys remember learning the Shurley English Method in elementary school? I remember that. I freaking LOVED it. I used to sit and daydream about whoever Shurly was, because I just KNEW she was hot...." (Will in Dr. Matthews' office)

7."I'm not afraid of any SPIRITS. If I go to bed and there's a ghost there, I don't give a care. As long as they don't bother me. But I HATE snakes..." (Dr. Matthews)

8."Free Advice. It's worth what you pay for. And Sydney you can write that down." (Dr. Matthews after finding out I record what she says.)

9."Besides, I'm STILL mad at you."
"Mad at ME? What for?"
"For rejecting my proposal."
"When did YOU propose, and when did I say no?"
"Remember? You said you wouldn't marry me because you didn't want the kids to be Mulatto."
"What the...!? When did... WHY YOU DO ME LIKE THAT?"
(Bobby and I at Chilli's)

10."Wow...you all are SO YOUNG. *sigh* But don't worry, it's not your fault. It's your parents fault for making you that way." (Dr. Matthews)

11."Now, I know I'm an English professor, and I'm supposed to just LOVE poetry and all that...but I DON'T. But you all HAVE to learn it. I swear, all it is is a bunch of tortured souls writing about being tortured souls. I hate tortured souls. If any of you were thinking about becoming one....DON'T." (Dr.Matthews)

12."My sister was five when I got married the first time, and she RUINED my wedding. She cried and refused to walk down the isle with the flower pedals. Now she's 62, And I remind her of that day every time she visits. *glares* She says she is 'SO sorry'...*shakes head* but I really don't think she is..."

13. "Trae hit me with his toast...I mean...Why would somebody waste toast like that?" (Brandon)

14."Now, REMEMBER what I told you! Oh...wait... I didn't tell you...that was someone else.."

15."Man, If I were a ghost, I'd break into a candy factory and go CRAZY! I'd be that relaxing ghost in a pool full of skittles..."

16."If Rome won't go to Mohammed, then Mohammed will clap until it DOES....wait"

17."If you do not poop, you WILL DIE."

18."Well, see, Sydney, you're the exception to most freshman. You were born with a BRAIN." (Dr.Matthews)

How It Is- The Best Things from the 1990's

2011-02-09T12:02:00.000-08:00

1. Wonder Ball. (Do you wonder wonder what's in a wonder ball?) http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfrjfoBgD51qzvtrn.jpg

2. Spyro The Dragon. (You can never collect too many emeralds.)http://www.darkspyro.net/spyrothedragon/images/cover_us_large.jpg

3. Stretch Armstrong. (Unless you left him in the hot car... then he leaked...) http://www.comicbookmovie.com/images/users/uploads/9132/kenner_stretch_armstrong.jpg

4. Lisa Frank. (Her lunch boxes made me into the woman I am today.)
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jQLeHOuV_90/TT658ONUcAI/AAAAAAAABlo/QwZuBckN-2E/s400/Spotty+%2526+Dotty.gif

5. Bubsy the Bobcat 3D. The worst graphics I've ever seen in my life...but the hardest game I've ever played...
http://www.gamepadmagazine.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/bubsy-3d.jpg

6. Easy-Bake Oven. (What more is there to say?)
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_EsrRVgKJIbc/SQa-QQzIhLI/AAAAAAAAFTM/F3dcBRxIQBs/s400/easy-bake-oven%5B1%5D.jpg

7. Earthworm Jim
http://www.thistledownpuppets.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/ewjshirt.jpg

8. Goosebumps http://iconsoffright.com/news/Goosebumps_Wave1.jpg

9. Polly Pocket http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_21xT-bBX5ao/TSNgtdoxnxI/AAAAAAAAAjg/JEJp9HHnenc/s1600/polly-pocket.jpg

10. Pokemon (150) http://www.playerzblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/free-online-games-pokemon.jpg

11. Gameboy Pocket (Black and White screens still rocked the house in those days.) http://www.dijitalfix.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/gameboy01.jpeg

12. Gel Pens (and that cool black notebook paper the developed to make the pens sparkle!) http://scrapbooking.com/2000/2006/07/gp1/gp2_small.jpg

13. Beetle Borgs (Beetle Borgs and their Big Bad selves) http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Beetleborgs

14. Crash Bandicoot http://www.emuparadise.org/roms/psx/CrashBandicoot/cover.jpg

15. Furbys http://www.personal.psu.edu/scd5029/blogs/SCDIST110H/Furby.jpg

I hope I took you back in time :D
Enjoy the trip

How It Is- The Top 10 Things I've Realized

2011-01-31T21:32:00.000-08:00

1. Hugs are the greatest sport

2. It's okay to lip sync while wearing headphones at the gym...and in the hall...and in the cafeteria...

3. Coloring books relieve stress.

4. As does Play-Doh

5. It's okay to dance to the beat of a song in your head.

6. The people who are nerds in high school are the same people who actually end up graduating college (and in less than 10 years).

7. Breakfast at 2pm is still breakfast.

8. If you only tell 10 people you're having waffle night, prepare for 25. 30 will show up.

9. American Idol is a great excuse to have a pasta party every Wednesday (Even if you haven't watched it since Kelly Clarkson won.)

10. A Go-Phone is better than No-Phone

Because nobody doesn't like hugs.
Because everybody loves to lip sync. (Don't deny it)
Because you'll feel COMPLETELY naked without a cell.

Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- Some Serious Benefits of NOT Dropping Out of College

2011-01-28T18:14:00.001-08:00

Benefit #1: You get to hear the fire alarm go off after one o'clock in the morning. Every morning. For three mornings in a row, because the same people who study Isaac Newton can't quite comprehend Ramen Noodle instructions.

Benefit #2: A lesson on Walt Whitman turns into a lecture about how easily "diseases can be obtained from harlots...AND your friends...so be careful people!"

Benefit #3: Thanks to a very loud not-so-personal conversation between some girls in the hall, you'll overhear just which guys on campus can do all kinds of stuff with their you-know-what's.

Benefit #4: You find a great appreciation for quarters...as well as wearing clothes a few more times than you used to at home. I mean, they aren't THAT dirty right?

Benefit #5: You don't have to answer the phone after 2am. The person will leave a voicemail, which you can use the next day to remind them what they said, considering they forgot they ever even called after they passed out the night before.

Benefit #6: There's a gym.

Benefit #7: After you use the gym, there's a nurse.

Benefit #8: You'll discover that anything in the cafeteria can taste good. Just cover it in Buffalo Sauce.

Benefit #9: If you have a blog, you'll find MORE than enough inspiration to keep you chugging along.

Benefit #10: Having fun will mean having ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO. Which will be wonderful, peaceful, and RARE. So enjoy it while you can.

Because it isn't high school anymore.
Because jeans last a long time when you really think about it.
Because Buffalo sauce is delicious.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- The Top 10 Things You Shouldn't Care About

2011-01-17T23:50:00.001-08:00

The Top 10 Things You Shouldn't Care About

1. The cast of Jersey Shore (you should be more concerned that in an economy like THIS, people like THAT still get payed. If Snookie quit spray-tanning, I swear she would save enough money to cover the deficit.)

2. The ammount of wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

3. The next five Will Ferrell movies (spoiler alert: he's naked, yells a lot, cries once or twice, and he gets the girl in the end.)

4. Grades (I'm totally kidding!)

5. That girl/guy in your class who you think doesn't know you exist. (If they haven't already seen how awesome you are, then they're SO not worthy of you...no matter how perfectly their dark hair falls over their eyes...)

6. Free Range Chickens (they are no more "okay" with being slaughtered than a chicken who was raised in a cage. If anything, you'll be putting the other poor little guy out of his misery. RIP Caged Chickens)

7. 3D Movies. Sure, they're cool now, but save yourself the $11 movie ticket, and wait a year. By then everyone with have the software implanted in their eyeballs, making EVERY movie a 3D movie.

8. Your crooked teeth (Dan Humphrey and Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl, anyone? Where would Madonna be without her gap?...well...she would probably still be a gazillionaire... but that's not the point...) Brush, floss, and FLAUNT ;)

9. How many Facebook friends you have: honestly, the fewer you have, the better you probably know them. (meaning you know them AT ALL.) Think of it this way: Would they have your back 100% in an emergency? If not *delete*

10. Who likes you and who doesn't. If you try so hard to impress someone you feel exhausted every day, are they REALLY worth it? Think of all those people in your lives who dig you no matter what: makeup or no makeup, expensive cologne or axe, polo or hoodie, iPhone or flip phone. If they respect you for YOU, keep them around. If not *delete*

Because reality stars are overrated (yet fascinating)
Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Because good friends are hard to come by.

Because that's just How It Is.
Happy MLK Day ;)

How It Is- The Power of Resistance

2011-01-16T19:26:00.000-08:00

The word Resistance means quite a few different things. It means:

Not smashing that kid's sand castle during a trip to the beach.
Not throwing your laptop out the window when you lose that "really important thing" you were working on.
Not telling your boss where they can stick that report-for-all-you-care.
Not telling your friend how her butt REALLY looks in those jeans.
and NOT giving in to that urge to run naked across campus.

(what, like YOU haven't thought about it too? Puh-leez.)

Resistance means doing something for someone that you might not be SUPER EXCITED about.
Picking your battles, and only making a big deal about the BIG things, not about EVERYTHING ELSE.
It means showing up to class/work/a meeting on a day that would be PERFECT for sleeping in, and a bubble bath. (especially with all the sick days you have to use.)

But most of all, resistance means trying. Putting effort towards what might not be your favorite thing, but it needs to be worked out. Whether it be a friend, family member, roommate, or co-worker, talk about stuff. Work it out. Resist the urge to fume or lose your temper, and give in to the need to discuss what's bothering you.

Because, most likely, the other person is willing to do so, too.
Because you'll feel much better in the end.
Because, no matter the outcome, you'll have done all you could.

Because that's just How It Is.

Joel and Junior- The Blog about Nothing

2011-01-15T15:36:00.000-08:00

Here's a new Blog presented to you by a Duo of broke college kids (including yours truly) who's main motivations in life are eating, sleeping, studying *cough cough* and Blogging....about nothing. If you enjoy How It Is, then I hope/wish/pray/beg that you'd also enjoy Joel and Junior: The Blog About Nothing.

Here's the webpage. (it's still in it's infancy, mind you)

http://joelandjunior.blogspot.com

Also, A BIG thanks is in order to those of you who have given How It Is 850 views in it's time so far. Thank you for keeping me motivated, and I hope to see the numbers continue to rise in the time to come. :D

Moochos Gracias, and much Love,
Junior Junior

How It Is- A Chick Can Be A Bro

2011-01-14T20:31:00.000-08:00

How It Is- Chick Friends Can be Bro’s

First Thing’s First: a Chick can be a Bro.

“How?” You ask. “How can a Chick be a Bro?”

Well, since you insisted, I’ll explain.

A Chick can be a Bro in many ways:

-If your Chick Friend is the one you call when you’re upset about another Chick, she’s just a Chick Friend.
-But if your Chick Friend is the one who comes to your house with a RedBull, Black Ops, and Pizza-Rolls to make you feel better about the aforementioned other Chick? She’s a Bro. (or a Chick-Bro)

-If your Chick Friend is the one you sit next to in class and copy off of, she’s just a Chick Friend.
-But if your Chick Friend is the one that makes a SECOND copy of her homework, and tells you the ending of Hamlet right before the test, she’s a Bro.

1. A Chick-Bro does not have to DRESS like a Bro.
2. A Chick-Bro can listen to Chick music, and cry during Chick Flicks.
3. A Chick-Bro doesn’t flirt with her other Bro’s.
4. A Chick-Bro can still smell nice, and have cute nails.
5. A Chick-Bro can tell her other Bro’s to suck-it-up-and-be-a-man

A Chick can be a Bro if she’s dependable, reliable, and doesn’t take any crap. A Chick can be a Bro when she isn’t constantly begging to be around you all the time, or constantly accepting your invitations to hang out.

Because A Chick kind of Bro is the best kind of Bro.
Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- What The New Year Means

2011-01-14T13:07:00.000-08:00

How It Is-What the New Year means

The new year means getting out of bed early (as in before noon)

It means that school comes first (I promise you, that photo of your BFF swallowing an entire Twinkie is STILL going to be on Facebook whenever you’re done studying, so get to work.)

It means becoming somebody’s Bro, or Wingman. (chicks can be “Bro’s”, too. I’m a living testament to that little-known fact. Ask any of my guy friends.)

It means healthy eating. (what better excuse to toss out your junk food than thinking “EEEW, this was made last YEAR!” *wink*)

It means making new friends (New classes equal new faces. Even if they’re the exact same people, you might as well get to know them because you’ll be seeing them a whole lot more.)

It means switching up your old routines ( if you’re going to brush your teeth and wash your face ANYWAY, then why not blast some Bruno Mars while doing so?)

It means getting to know the little people (the Barista at the coffee place? The lady behind the counter at the post office? They have names too, you know.)

It means taking responsibility, but not taking crap.

It means showering every day. (DON’T ACT LIKE YOU HAVEN’T SKIPPED BEFORE.)

It means parties you really WANT to be at. (Why bother trying to impress Boozers when you can have Waffles and OJ instead? Trust me, SO many more people will show up.)

It means switching up your closet (give those old jeans a rest. Let leggings, tights, and dresses pick up the slack!... unless you’re a dude. Then swap jeans with your Bros... unless you have Chick-Bro’s)

It means feeling good about yourself. (If you feel good about yourself NOW, then it can only get BETTER!)

And last but not least, it means making fun of yourself. (You know who does that? BETTY WHITE does that. And who does NOT want to be Betty White? That’s right, EVERYBODY wants to be Betty White.)

Because it’s time to let loose.
Because it’s time to give yourself a break.
Because it’s time to show the World what you’re made of.
Because that’s just How It Is.

How it Is- The Twenty Most Important Things I Learned in 2010

2011-01-10T09:25:00.000-08:00

1. When a magazine says that washing your hair with raw egg makes it shiny, remember to use cold water. Otherwise you’ll spend the next two days smelling like a poached omelet, picking the bits from your bangs.

2. When you crack a fingernail, don’t put a fake one over it for “protection”. Because, six days later, when it comes time for the fake nail to come off, guess what ELSE comes off?

3. An apple a day doesn’t keep the doctor away. It just causes a lot of confusion finding the little stickers everywhere.

4. If you see the person who lives above you bring his girlfriend home, go to the library for a couple hours, or grab a cup of Joe. Trust me, it saves you the mental scars, and you’ll still be able to look them in the eyes later on.

5. You’ll pass math. I promise.

6. Go to Walmart to get your class ring online. They’re awesome, low priced, they have cool designs, and the girl sizes cost the same as the guy sizes, meaning you won’t feel bad about getting a MONSTER sized stone.

7. Never get bangs and a bob at the same time. It makes your head look like a block.

8. If you know Diet Coke makes you need to pee, don’t drink it before Graduation…or Church…or a baby’s first baptismal… or a road trip…

9. The weight loss and good fashion sense come after high school, when it stops mattering. Why destiny pulls this cruel trick? I have no idea. (Oh, and the braces come off then too. But don’t worry, that just means you’ll look EXTRA good for your first reunion.)

10. Another thing: Take care of your braces. Four years of stress, sweat, and tears will eventually pay off. And it will be AWESOME.

11.Glitter + Coffee + Webcam = A regretful “Ke$ha” music video mash-up that you and your BFF swear you’ll never show anyone. EVER.

12. In college, feel free to wear the same outfit for three days. If it’s a black hoodie and jeans, just change your scarf and your shoes. The whole thing will look new. (especially if you pull your hair up, but that’s all fancy.)

13. GO TO CLASS.

14. If you get your hand caught in a waffle iron, you can commit any crime you want with that one hand. (you won’t have any fingerprints to track, nomsayin?)

15. A hedgehog is the greatest thing that could ever happen to you in your life.

16. It’s okay to budget yourself based off of how many iTunes songs you can buy.
“One loaf of bread, or three songs? One gallon of milk or two music videos….?”

17. Try new things! Grapefruit is actually really good, and so are Dutch Babies (the pastry, not the European infant.)

18. It’s important to keep in touch with old friends. Don’t burn your bridges, just pick up the phone.

19. Never order a Starbucks eggnog latte. I swear to you, they taste like leftover lasagna. No joke. I like the taste of lasagna…but only when I’m EATING LASAGNA. (and Sonic red velvet Blasts taste like puffy Cheetos.)

20. Sleep in, relax, take a deep breath, and eat a waffle. All is well, and everything will come to pass.

Because a year goes by MUCH faster than you think.
Because things aren't as big a deal as they used to be.
Because there's SO MUCH life after high school.

Because that's just How It Is.

I'd like to give a shout out to my girls Courtney & Megan ;)

How It Is- The Gospel According to Shanika (audience video)

2010-12-17T00:35:00.000-08:00

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1509870059857

How It Is- Garbage Wallets

2010-12-13T14:03:00.000-08:00

"Wait... where's my wallet?" I'm shifting through a shopping bag, and it appears to have some items missing from it. "I could have sworn it was right here..."

"Last time I saw it, it was laying on the floorboard of my car." Peter, my on-campus best friend sat down, sighing.

It was 10:00 pm, and we'd just gotten back to the university apartments after a weekend trip. He lived right next door, so it was easy to haul everything upstairs, usually into my apartment, where it can all be sorted through.

"No, I put it in this bag while you were still holding it a minute ago," I gesture to the shopping bag, "It's got to be around here somewhere."

"You know..." he looks at me, "I was also holding the garbage bag..."

"Well then let me look in it, maybe I got them switched up!"

He stops, blinking at me "Junior,I just took it out to the dumpster."

"THE WALLET IS IN THE DUMPSTER???" His mother had just given it to me the day before as an early Christmas gift, and I was desperate to get it back.

Fast forward about twenty minutes, and we have just established that, indeed, the wallet IS in fact in the dumpster.

I leaned over the edge, and could see our trash bag atop the pile of various UAM garbage. There's a heavy smog wafting from the interior of the dumpster.

"You know this means we have to go in and get it..." Peter is not happy.

The dumpster stands about eight feet high, two thirds of which are empty. (for, like, the first time EVER.) So, yes, our bag IS on top, but that still makes it about five feet deep into the swirling vortex of disgust.

I'm in my Chicago Bears pajamas. Peter is still in his dress shoes and slacks from the Jazz cantada he'd performed at just hours before.

"So...." I purse my lips, looking about the place. "Who's going in?"

"Me...." Peter grumbles.

The next few events occur as follows:

1.We find a piece of vinyl about three feet long, and manage to hook the handles of the trash bag. It snaps in half.

2. We find a stick about the same length, and go for attempt number two. It snaps in half.

3. Finally, Peter leaps up, catching the side of the dumpster, and balancing on the egde.

It wasn't untill that particular moment that we realize the entire steel contraption is completely unstable, tipping forward as if to crush Peter.

Anyone looking out their window that night would have seen one figure (dressed very nicely) perched atop a garbage dump, with a second figure (not dressed so nicely) holding it steady with all their might, willing it to stay grounded.

With a flick of his foot, Peter catapults the garbage bag into the air, catching it one handedly. Quickly, he reaches in, snatches the wallet, and leaps from the heap, landing safely on the gravel below.

I shout with joy, and there's a brief ceremonial victory dance. (Unfortunately for Peter, it's cut short by the realization that he's been smeared with mystery fluid, hopefully from the cup of ice I'd tossed out.)

We treck back inside, washing our hands, and chalking one up to another adventure in College Land. We also vow to start a recycle program...
ASAP

Because dumpster diving is only fun on Dirty Jobs.
Because no shampoo in the WORLD can chase that stench away.
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Top Ten Things that are Viciously Plotting to Make Me Fail College

2010-12-04T13:35:00.000-08:00

1. Facebook- online research for lit studies somehow morphs into flipping through fifty pictures of your friend with a milk mustache...

2. My Hedgehog- he sits there, gloating in his cuteness, jiggling his roly-poly, Blimp-like belly as he munches on blueberries....and I'm supposed to concentrate on writing an ESSAY!?

3. Youtube- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw

4. My Window- it looks right into the outdoor hallway of the apartment building, which means friends passing by, waving, and chatting through the screen, and inviting me over for coffee.

5. Arts and Crafts- http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=423678537211&set=a.422992122211.205435.629577211

6. Sleep- The one thing everyone needs, yet nobody has... (kind of like an iPad, or a yacht...)

7. Writing letters- it's amazing how many addresses you can suddenly remember when you're supposed to be focused on Bach and Handel....

8. Miley Cyrus- Just Google her.

9. My Kitchen- nom, nom, nom.

10. Anything OTHER THAN COLLEGE. The world is a distraction.

How It Is- The Joys of Being in College

2010-11-15T14:02:00.000-08:00

The Joys of Being In College

1. Gourmet Cuisine morning. noon, and night.

2. You get to experience the local culture.

3. You Get to Party Hearty!

4. There's always something SUPER FUN to do, with AMAZING PERKS

But best of all, you get to pick the coolest classes, with the coolest people, and you get to have the time of your life while giving yourself an advantage in life.

Because studying is better in groups.

Because a dorm can be a home

Because you'll appreciate your Mom's cooking a whole lot more.

Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- Favorite Quotes of the Week

2010-11-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

"I ain't gonna fight 'bout no smart stuff!"- John being completely serious

"Well, we ain't seen ALL the planets in the world!!!"- John, again, being completely serious

"I'm going to get a double meat-lover's pizza, and ask them to replace every kind of meat with BACON."- David

"Okay, now you're just taking advantage of the Chinese..."- my Debate opponent

"Let the acid WORRRRRRK!!!!"- Phil talking to his digesting food

"I know where you want to be... cuz I know you want to be somewhere, Because I know you got something to do somewhere other than here... Help me, help me...wait, help me, help YOU." -Chris Kerksey

"I don't think I would like doing Swing Debates"
"Why John? You should feel completely comfortable, considering you swing both ways, right?"
-John and I

"Have you ever read that?"
"Well, yeah, but like not often. Not really. So no..."
"....so you haven't read it then...?"
- Chris to me

The Gospel According To Shanika- Episode 2- Noah

2010-10-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, like, once upon a time there was this dude named Noah, right? And he was, like, an OLD DUDE.

For real, like, he was so ,that if he was at the club, and he come up all like "Hey baby can I git your digits?" I'd be like "Um no you can't have my number, you so old!" That's how old he was.

Anyway, one day, he was, like, grilling burgers in his backyard, when ALLUHVUH SUDDEN, he heard this voice from above that was all like "NOOOOOAAAAAHHHHH".

And Noah, he be all like "Oh Shoo, Who is dat?"
and the voice was like "NOAH, I am your FATHER!"

Okay, so like, the voice didn't actually say that, thas from Starwars, but he WAS all like "NOAH! It's me, God. And I need you to LISTEN UP!"

So Noah turns off his iPod and is all like, "Oookay."
(Because das what you do when God be tellin' you to listen. You TAKE OUT YO IPOD!)

ANYWAY, so God be all like "Okay, pretty soon it's gonna start rainin', Mmmmmmkay?"

And Noah was like "Mmmmmkay."

And God was like "And It ain't gonna stop rainin' for fourty days and fourty nights. mmmmmkay?"

And Noah, he was all like "Mmmmmkay."

And God was like: "And you gonna stayonthisboatandnotgetoffforalonglongtimesodon'teven thinkaboutgoingswimmingcuzitain'tgonnahappen yougottawaitforadovetobringyouanolivebranchbeforeyoucanevenTHINKABOUTgettingonnoland!

And Noah was like "....whuh?"

And got was all like "OH MY SELF, Do I gotta tell you ERVAHTHANG???" And that was that. Noah got to work on the boat LIKE THAT.

Of course, all his neighbors were being stupid about it. They were all like "Oh, Noah, let me help you with that... PSYCHE!!!!" and Noah was like "Stop it you guys this ain't FUNNY!"

Fast Forward, like, 100 years, or whuhevuh, and The boat is COMPLETE.

Noah's back out in his back yard, flippin' burgers, being an old dude, when ALLUVUHSUDDEN he feels a rain drop fall on his head.

At first, he be all like: "GO AWAY RAIN! I'm Tryna grill my burgers!" but then he be like "Oh shoo! I almost forgot! It's about to FLOOD!"

So Noah, he haul BOOTY.
When he got there, all the animals was waitin' for him already.

(You see, he had posted about it on his Twitter, and the Cheetahs had seen it, so they was able to tell ervah body else.)

But now Noah had another dilemma. See, he actually had TWO boats. One was called "The Ark", and the other was called "The Titanic". Which one should he pick?

All the aminals was like "Noah! Let's get on the Titanic!"
But he was like "Naw guys, I gotta bad feelin' about that one...."

So they loaded up the Ark, and were on their way.

For fourty days an fourty nights, Noah, his family, and all the animals were all UP IN THAT BOAT.

You'd think it would be boring, but somebody had thought to bring Apples-To-Apples along for the ride. (They wanted to play Monopoly, too, but the stupid orangutans wouldn't stop CHEATIN', so they had to throw it into da water.)

On that Fourty first day, Noah was takin' a walk on the deck of the boat, listening to his iPod, chillen wit his homies, when outta nowhere this DOVE BRINGS HIM AN OLIVE BRANCH!

The dove was all like "YO NOAH, Land ho!"

All the lions, and the tigers, and the bears, and the hedgehogs was doin' their happy dance cuz they knew they was SAVED! They was gonna be free to roam da earf!

"Alright ervahbody!" said Noah, "I don't mind all the partyin', ans I know we all happy and stuff, but I got a quick question for you." He looked around for a second, then was like "where all the Dinosaurs at?"

The Cheetahs was all like, "Aw snap, Noah, I forgot to tell you, they all got on the Titanic."

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- The Improv Challenge

2010-10-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

The Gospel According to Shanika- Episode 1 : Adam & Eve

2010-10-02T11:55:00.001-07:00

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO SHANIKA
Espisode 1
Adam & Eve

Okay, so, like, once upon a time, God was like "Ima make da Earf!"
And so he did.
Then he was like "Ima make da water!"
And so he did.

And then he was like "Where all da animals be at!?" Cuz he forgot he ain't even made them yet.

So he did. And he saw that all of this was REAL GOOD.

So then he be like "I got all dis Earf, and I got all dis water, and I got all dese AMINALS" and he be like "What about the HUMANS? Ima make 'em in my own image!"
And he did. And the Brother he made was named Adam.

But Adam wasn't happy.

He be like "GOD! How come all the lions, and the tigers, and the bears, and the dinosaurs got themselves girlfriends, and I ain't got one? Why am I the only human on da EARF?"

And God was like "Stop being so ungreatful, or I'ma snatch up one of yo RIBS!"

But Adam kept on talking. So God be like "I warned you!" And he snatched up one of Adams ribs. Just like he said he was.

Adam said "DAT HURT! WHACHOO DO DAT FO?"

and God, he said, "CUZ I'MA MAKE YOU A WOMAN, SON!

And das when he made Eve.

And Adam saw that dis was GOOOOOOD. He be all like "DANG GIRL! YOU LOOKIN' GOOD! Can I git yo DIGITS?"

What? It's true! Babies don't come from thin air, does they?

So anyway, God be tellin' Adam and Eve: "LISTEN UP! See that pinata in that tree over ther? Yeah, well don't bust it open! Cuz it SACRED!"

Okay, so it wasn't really a pinata, it was a fruit, but YOU NOMSAYIN'! So anyway, they be like "Okay, das coo, we ain't gonna touch it. It's all good, no sweat, God. Don't worry bout nothing."

But what they didn't know, was that ther was a SNAKE. Oh my, did I ever tell you how much I hate snakes? Okay, so like there was this one time at my uncle Jay Jay's house, right? Okay so we was grillin' when all a sudden...

...wait, hold up. I'm s'posed to be reading you the GOSPEL! Not telling you no stories! Here I am tryna deliver the word of JESUS, and you be trying to distract me! Y'all should be ashamed of y'alls selves.

So anyway, the snake be like "Oh come on now Eve, it ain't anything bad, just an fruit. Fruit is good for you, you know. Just take a little bite."

And she be like "I ain't doin' what you TELL me to do! What, you think since Ima woman I'm s'posed to do what you SAY? Whatevuh!"

So she eat the fruit. Then she be like:

"Adam, eat the fruit!"
And he be like "No!"
And she be like *glare*
And he be like "NO!"
and she be like *GLARE*
and he eat da fruit.

God was upset.
He be all like "okay fine I warned you not to eat da fruit!"
and Adam be like "BUT SHE TOLD ME TO DO IT! SO I DID!"
and god be like "You listened to a woman. That was your FIRST mistake!"

And the two of them got cast out of the Garden of Eden fo evuh.

And then they was Naked.
Because that's just How It IS

How It Is- I Hate Wisconsin

2010-09-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

I Hate Wisconsin
By: Junior Junior

(Anne and her father have been in the car for several hours at this point. It’s awkwardly silent. Anne is staring out the window, angry. The dad seems oblivious to all of this, merrily whistling a tune to himself)

Anne:
(silence, then)
I STILL have no clue WHY you’re leaving me at grandma’s.

Dad:
Because, sweety, she loves you,
and she wants you to spend time with her.

Anne:
(sarcastic)
Oh, and she told you this?

Dad:
(avoiding the question)
Ummm… well…
No, but I’m sure that’s what she would say if I’d asked her.
Besides, I think it’s good if you go.

Anne:
I think grandma has a few ideas of her own where we should go,
none of which involve her house.

Dad:
Now Anne, that’s not fair.
You make it sound as if she hates you!

Anne:
Well, not only me. I think she pretty much hates you too.
Especially after that poker night incident…

Dad:
(suddenly wild eyed)
OKAY! Now YOU listen HERE!
I had NO IDEA that those ping pong balls were even capable of DOING THAT!
Besides, I told her to leave those stupid paper clips in the drawer at home,
but no, she just HAD to bring them!

Anne:
Yeah, and now Old Man McGuffey has TWO glass eyes!

Dad:
I thought we’d agreed that we would NEVER
discuss that incident again!

Anne:
Just like we agreed that I would NEVER
have to come back to Wisconsin, so I could visit some CRAZY LADY
who tried to murder me in my BED!

Dad:
That was a total misunderstanding!

Anne:
Dad! She had a pillow over my face!

Dad:
She wasn’t trying to kill you!

Anne:
DAD! She literally stated, and I quote,
“ I am going to kill you, here, in this bed. You will not live to see the morning”!

Dad:
Well, I’m sure that this time it will be a lot different.

Anne:
Yeah, different as in she’ll have built up an immunity to pepper spray,
so it won’t do me ANY GOOD to keep it in my mattress THIS TIME!
You’re right dad, it will be a heck of a lot different!

Dad:
I don’t know where you picked up such an attitude, but I don’t like it.

Anne:
You know, if it weren’t for her, I could have gone to prom.
I also could have gone to volleyball state finals.

Dad:
Not this story again!

Anne:
WELL, IT’S TOTALLY TRUE! It’s all her fault!
If she hadn’t photo-shopped those stupid pictures of me doing crack,
or whatever it was, I wouldn’t have been kicked off the team!!!

Dad:
What does that have to do with prom!?

Anne:
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAPPENS TO RECALL THE SIX WEEKS
I SPENT IN JUVY OVER THOSE PICTURES!?!?!?
Yeah dad, I missed prom!

(long, drawn out, tension filled silence)

Anne:
(quietly) Do you think there are any bears in Wisconsin?

Dad:
(agitated) What…?

Anne:
Oh, nothing. I was just asking if there were any bears in Wisconsin.

Dad:
(suspicious) Why…

Anne:
Well, I know how Grandma loves to take those nice, long hikes.
So, I figured I could take her into the woods, go off the trail, and… leave … her there

Dad:
Don’t even JOKE like that!

Anne:
I wasn’t joking.

Dad:
Fine! FINE! You want to know why I make you visit your grandma!? You want to know!? FINE, Ill TELL YOU! When I was a kid I almost never visited my grandma! Never! So guess what happened? She DIED! Ask me what my grandmother left me in her will! ASK! Just ASK ME!

Anne:
Hey dad. What did your grandma leave you in her will.

Dad:
NOTHING! And that woman was LOADED!
So you WILL keep visiting your Grandma! And you WILL LIKE IT! This could be what pays your college TUITION!

Anne:
Okay! OKAY! Dad! We’re here!
Geeze, just let it GO!

(long silence as the they pull into the driveway. Suddenly, Dad cheers up a little.)

Dad:
Hey, look. There she is!
Just sitting on the porch. Almost anticipating our arrival!
Awww, and she’s waving!

Anne:
Yeah Dad, she’s waving… waving a shotgun.

END

How It Is

How It Is- Funniest Professor Quotes of the Week

2010-09-04T00:47:00.000-07:00

Funniest Professor Quotes of the Week

Dr. Borse:

"Don't be such a Time-Waster-Naval-Gazer!"

"Scientific Penis Envy"

"Well I like Hamlet, because, well, I think it means something nice..."*sips coffee*

"Be-shat by a cow"

"Deck the Hars with Bars of Horry"

"I'm not out to get you! I'm your friend!

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'D EXPECT YOU TO SAY!"

"Beehoove"

"I just get used to counting my children. I, 2, 3...where's Greg? Where's Greg?"

Dr. Evans

"Mistuh Evans, WHERE MY FRIES AT?"

"As much as I enjoycrushing dreams, I'll try not to fail 80% of this class. Administration frowns upon that..."

"Even a BROKEN clock is right twice a day."

Dr. Bloom

"If your mother was a great woman, and she baked all the cookies and everything, then you have a much different picture in your head from the person with the no-more-wire-hangers mother. It's just gonna happen."

"You said bass akwards, but who shivsagit?"

How It Is- Freshman Girl's College Survival Guide (Day 9 & 10)

2010-09-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

1. Don't tell your next door neighbor that you blog for fun, because he might just be a TOTAL JERK ABOUT IT. YEAH THAT's RIGHT PHIL I'M TALKING TO YOU.

2. Especially when he's sitting right next to you. And he won't shut up. No matter how much you beg and plead and cry and weep.

3. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU CAN HEAR HIS CRUMMY GUITAR PICKING ALL DAY ALL NIGHT AND HE BRINGS KEEBLER ELF COOKIES TO YOUR HOUSE CLAIMING HE BAKED THEM.

4. ESPECIALLY when he doesn't even know who Harper Lee is.

Because I'm not his friend anymore.
Because He is not nice.
Because he's jealous.
Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- Freshman Girl's College Survival Guide (Days 5-8)

2010-08-30T07:40:00.000-07:00

1. Your next door neighbor might possibly become your best pal on campus. (Especially if he is musically inclined, and doesn't gag when you attempt to sing.)

2. Go to church on Sunday. You'll not only enjoy it, but you'll also end up meeting a motley crue of some pretty "radical dudes" in the process.

3. If you're going to bake brownies, make sure you have someone who's willing to eat them. Because they'll end up sitting on your counter, (in their gooey deliciousness) mocking you every time you enter your kitchen.

4. Everything is hilarious after midnight.

5. You don't have to be athletic to enjoy working out. Especially at the free gym on campus.

6. Your aforementioned neighbor will try to teach you racket ball. And you will suck. And that is okay.

7. THERE WILL BE DRAMA. This is simply unavoidable. Don't let it get you. By golly, you're going to have the best freaking time of your life no matter WHAT, got it?

Because living next door to someone should be an adventure.
Because you never know who you might run into, and what they might be like.
Because college is like High School minus the pre-pubescent fifteen-year-olds.
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Freshman Girl's College Survival Guide (Day 4)

2010-08-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

1. When you challenge someone to a two hour workout match, they might actually take you up on it...

2. Take Lit classes. The teaher's are hilarious, and wear shirts that say things like "Uncle Rico is an IDIOT" on them. It's fabulous.

3. When you walk into a room crowded with people, pay attention to the extremely tall guys on the front row. Because, Later that evening, you'll end up meeting them at a volleyball match, and becoming friends instantly.

4. Don't eat in the cafeteria. You'll get bland mashed potatoes, only to find out that your roomie made burgers, fries, and guacamole back at the apartment.

Because you want to get your booty in gear.
Because, no matter what they admit to, people still think Napoleon Dynamite rocks.
Because so far all of your friends are football players and debaters.
Because That's just How It Is.

How It Is- Freshman Girl's College Survival Guide (Day3)

2010-08-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

1. When you and a friend decide to crash the TBO's** apartment, and jump them while they're sleeping, make sure your friend barges in first. That way YOU have time to flee after hearing "DUDE! WHAT THE-- WAIT 'TILL I GET MY PANTS ON!"

2. Invite your friends over to your dorm/apartment when you're bored! Chances are, you'll get those guys drinking tea, eating hummus, and munching on pita chips before the night is over.

3. When your college offers "Free Movie Night" at the local theatre for all students, feel free to waste it on one of those corny action flicks that you would never pay money to see. You might end up thinking it's pretty much AWESOME.

4. When a skeevie guy hits on you in the cafeteria, and you're about to get up and leave, be grateful when one of the TBO's** comes to the rescue.

Because Boys need to appreciate drinks other than Powerade and Mt.Dew
Because They need to be prepared for anything, ANYTIME (It's college, anything could happen)
Because Sylvester Stalone can still rock an attitude.
Because That's just How It Is.

**TBO's-Tennis Ball Offenders (see day 1)

How It Is- Freshman Girl's College Survival Guide (Day 2)

2010-08-22T21:09:00.001-07:00

1. Always be grateful when your roommate gets permission for you to move in a day earlier than everyone else. Because there just MIGHT be a torrential downpour (complete with thunder and lightening) the day that everyone else unpacks their furniture...while you stand on your deck, drink tea, and observe.

2. If you and your roomie decide to have a spaghetti dinner, always use angel hair pasta. It's delicious.

3. If you visit a new church for the first time, always make sure your new sunday school pastor:
a. has cowboy boots that match his suit.
b. has the same first and last name as your older brother.
and c. is a mechanic.

These are three signs that he is officially awesome.

4. The people living above you will be louder than the Tennis Ball Offenders. This will make no sense, because the TBO's are 200+lbs football players, while the people above you are 60lbs freshman girls.

Because you brought an umbrella.
Because nobody says you have to be traditional
Because Cowboy boots freaking ROCK.
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Freshman Girl's College Survival Guide (Day 1)

2010-08-22T20:58:00.001-07:00

1. Make sure you know what weather to expect before you arrive. You might wear your favorite hoodie, only to find out that it's been as much as 107 degrees in the last three days.

2. Be sure you check who lives beneath you. If you already know them personally,feel free to confiscate any tennis balls/rackets they might have. Because they WILL use them...INDOORS...at three in the morning...especially if they're guys.

3. If you have a roommate, check and see what she already has before you head to Walmart. Otherwise you might end up with too much pan spray, but not enough dental floss.

And don't EVER leave your window open. (for several reasons, the biggest one being #1, the afore-mentioned tennis ball offenders)

How It Is- Letters To A High School Bully

2010-08-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

Letters To A High School Bully

Okay bully.

I think people have just about HAD IT with your attitude.

You walk around with names like “Miff”, and “Bosco”, when everybody knows that your REAL name is something like “Charles” or “Francis.”

And they all KNOW that tattoo is fake. First of all: Who would give a fifteen-year-old a tattoo, and second of all: it rubs off.

Duh.

Did you think people wouldn’t notice? (It’s in, like, a different spot every day.)

Seriously, High School Bully?

Why did you have to take Bobby’s backpack? And was it really necessary to dump him in the cafeteria trashcan? You could have at LEAST picked the one in the hallway, where there wouldn’t be noodles, and mashed potatoes in there. Have some sympathy, will ya?

Besides, EVERYONE has seen the pictures on Facebook of you at the High School Musical III midnight showing.

You aren’t so tough, High School Bully.

So go home.
Heat up some leftovers.
Take a break. You need to rest.
Because the school year is almost over, and Bobby will come back from summer vacation bigger, and stronger than you.

So you’ll need all the energy you can get.

How It Is- Funniest (real) Conversations of the Summer

2010-08-15T19:01:00.001-07:00

"Without these glasses I can't hardly read."
"I think that's more of an education issue than a vision issue..."

"We had nothing in common."
"What was wrong?"
"He was a total jerk!"
"I thought you just said you DIDN'T have anything in common..."

"Maybe we should tell him to look you up on Facebook..."
"Everyone that has my name on Facebook is either a Lesbian or obsessed with cats..."

"ROR= Raff out Roud"

"Forget YOU!"
"Forget me? FORGET ME? I've been begging you to forget me since I MET you on Sunday!"

"I have a killer headache."
"Probably from being around ME so much."
"Not true. I didn't have a headache LAST NIGHT, did I?"
"Whoa! Hey now. I don't know you like that."

"Aw man, I just loved camp! Everyone got along, so much bondage going on!"
"Bondage?"
"Oh yes! Every day, every night..."
"I don't think that means what you think that means..."

"Ziplines."
"Ziplines?"
"Yes, that's how the illegals cross the border. Mexican Zipliners."
"Well, that explains a lot of stuff."
"Like what kind of stuff?"
"Like why I keep hearing Mariachi music, and randomly get hit by pinatas."

"Sir, did you say jalapenos?"
(deep southern old man)
"I said Hallapenyas, ya know, like, HALLAPENYAS!"

*nasally british accent*
"Barry! Barry are you there? Barry, what are you doing? PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN, BARRY, YOU'RE ONLY MAKING IT WORSE! NO I'M NOT JOKING!"

"Don't think of this as Therapy, think of this as Hangin' out! Now, telling your son Timmy that he isn't the re-encarnation of King Arthur is a little insensitive. Maybe he is! We don't know, do we?"

How It Is- Letters To A Drive Through Dude

2010-08-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

Hey Drive-Through Dude,

What's up with the attitude?

You with your colorful uniform, and your dirty hemp necklace. With gages so big a freakin' LION could leap through.

All I did was pull up to your speaker, and already you're treating me like I cheated on you with your best friend. I don't even KNOW your best friend. I don't even know YOU.

For real, Drive-Through Dude? Would it kill ya to at least FAKE some customer service?

I mean, I work at a fast food restaraunt, sure, and sometimes it's REALLY frustrating to spend all day taking orders from people who don't give a care about you, or your life.

But the least you can do is flash them your pearly whites, and tell them to have a nice day.

Simple as That.

Oh, speaking of pearly whites, Drive-Through Dude, what's up with the gum? Smacking it around like it dissed your mother. I mean, you look like one of those Antelope off of the Discovery Channel, grazing on the fields of the Savannah.

AND, it wasn't even a cool color! It was like you kept the same piece in your mouth and just added different pieces all day long. Really disgusting if you ask me.

Look, Drive-Through Dude, I'm not trying to be a hag, or make your life miserable. I'm just saying maybe you should clean up your act.

Because customers will be happy.
Because they'll call your manager to brag about you.
Because you might even get a promotion.
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- That's What SHE Said...

2010-08-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

That's What SHE said...

How It Is- Looks Just Fine

2010-08-06T03:30:00.001-07:00

"Hey....Hey!..."
I'm walking down the street, (towards the intersection of Armitage and Clark) when the voice comes from my right.

I turn to see a car about ten feet away from me pulled over to the curb. Inside there are three guys in their early twenties.

"HEY!" says the one in the passenger seat.
"Hey..." I reply, cautiously.
"How does my hair look?"

I pause. "wait, what?"
He repeats himself "How does my hair look?" he turns his head.

I frown, still cautious:
"If your plan is to get me to come over there and take a closer look, you're insane."

"No, no, I mean, does it look even on both sides? Be honest."

I consider his question. "It looks great." I shrugg. "Not bad at all."

He turns back to the driver "See? She said it looks fine!" then to me, "well, I bet it does look fine. I mean, after all, I am REALLY attractive..."

"Well... I don't know about that..." I shrugg again, casually.

"What do you mean 'well'"

"Well, your head is shaped kinda funny..."

Now it's his turn to pause.

"I'm totally just kidding! Your hair looks fine." I laugh.

He looks relieved. "haha! Okay then, thanks!" and with that, they pull away from the curb, dissapearing into traffic without a trace.

And I kept on going down the sidewalk, as if nothing ever happened.

Because random situations are funny.
Because Chicago is a crazy place.
Because his hair really was just fine.
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Letters To A Gangster Guy

2010-08-03T18:19:00.001-07:00

Dear Gangster Guy,

With your pants down low, and your Swagguh to-and-fro.
Why must you act this way?

You and your homies, who have names like "Tootie Smooth" and "Little Dee".

Why must you pretend to know the lyrics to every wanna-be rap song,
and make up lyrics to ones that don't exist?

Why must you break into song whenever you argue? As if we didn't already know you were angry, you decide to add:

"Cuz Ima Hater,
and you be trippin,
Cuz when I rollin',
and y'all be SLIPPIN!"

Why must you wear such massive Bling?
Being that heavy, It's bound to give you scoliosis...

And is it TRULY that necessary to have a "slick ride" that bounces?
As an already-below-average-height member of society, I have troubles seeing the traffic lights as is, let alone sitting behind you and your bros as "y'all be crunkin' to some tunes" in a car bouncing up and down.

These are simply some things to think about.

But in the mean time, please tell your peeps that I heard they got a grill, so I'll bring the burgers.

Junior Junior

How It Is- Ketchup

2010-07-28T08:15:00.001-07:00

It's seven o'clock in the morning, and I've just sat down for breakfast. I'm a counselor for a drama camp at the University of Arkansas, and the cafeteria is crowded. Luckily, though, there's space at the table with the other counselors, so I pop a squat before it's taken.
"Hey." I say.

"Hey, how's it going?" says Martial. Then he pauses. "Whoa, what are you doing?"

I freeze. "What, can I not sit here?"

"No, no, it's not that, look at your PLATE."

I look. I see nothing strange. Scrambled eggs, grits, and a mini waffle.

"Soooo.... is there something wrong?"

He makes a face. "What's with the ketchup?"

I shrug. "I always eat ketchup with my eggs..."

He gags. "You...you...you do WHAT?"

"I eat ketchup with my eggs...?" I am very confused.

"Hey guys! guys! You gotta come listen to this!" Marshall turns to the other counselors at the table. "Look at her plate you guys."

They all turn.
"I don't see anything." says Sam.
"What's with the Ketchup?" asks Mindy.

"I eat katchup on my eggs..." I say
They all simultaneously dry heave.
Then:
"You do WHAT!?" "AW THAT'S SICK!" "DuDe, for REAL!?"

I roll my eyes. "It's a free country, people." There's sighs, and scoffs from other counselors.

"It's not like I'm harming anyone. I'm not depleating the ozone or melting glaciers."

This goes on for about ten minutes, untill we're interrupted by our leader, Dr. Jones, as he approaches the table with his tray.

"Geeze, I could here you guys from across the room in the food line. Ooh, speaking of which, did y'all see they had french toast?"

He makes himself comfortable as everyone scoots over to make room.

"That looks delicious!" I say, "But what's with the mustard?"

How It Is- The Top Ten Best Times To Lie

2010-07-18T18:11:00.000-07:00

The Top Ten Best Times To Lie

1. When your mother-in-law asks for your address
2. When your best friend tries on spandex
3. When you fake tan
4. When you get your AP Scores
5. When you get caught playing Farmville
6. When you get caught watching Twilight
7. When you have a crush on Will Schuster...and you're a guy
8. When you have a crush on Sue Sylvester...no matter what gender you are
9. When your closest friends are Ben and Jerry
10.When you think "silicon valley" got it's name from plastic surgeons.

How It Is- The "Hair Care" Scare

2010-07-09T00:06:00.000-07:00

"Jason! Can you come help us with the computer???" my best friend and I were huddled in her room, giggling about what rebels we were about to become. Seconds later, her little brother Jason enters.
"Shalom, ladies. How might I be of assistance?" He starts towards the laptop which is spread across the bed.
"Wait!" I start. He pauses, perplexed. "Close the door..." I whisper. He does.
"Jason, we need your help." My best friend grabs the drugstore bag from her purse.
He sighs. "This was never about the computer, was it." It wasn't a question.
"Pleeeeaaase Jason! Hear us out."
"WE'REGOINGTODYEYOURSISTER'SHAIR!!!" I blurt.
He gasps "What COLOR!?!?Oh Lord." He turns to walk out.
"Jason, look, it's a natural color, I swear! Besides, I know you're skilled in the art of hair coloring! Don't deny it." I complain.
"Okay, yeah, so I do my mom's highlights. BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME A PRO!" Hems exasperated.
"We have to use your bathroom. We can't get caught in the other one. Mom will see us." Alice crosses her arms. "And you better not tell."
"Tell? When's the last time I told on you?" He scoff.
"Like, TODAY, when you told Dad how I rubbed that one guy's belly!"
She glares at him.
He glares at her.
"No. Absolutely not. No way. Have you guys not learned from EVERY TEEN MOVIE EVER MADE, that these little late-night 'ooh let's dye my hair' escapades always end up DISASTERS???" He shakes his head. "No. nuh uh. Not on my watch."
There's a long pause.
Then he sighs.
"Fine! Fine okay WHATEVER. You can use my bathroom on ONE condition."
We listen intently.
"Will you two please watch a youtube video on how to dye hair? I mean seriously, that way you can at least pretend you have any idea what on earth it is that you're doing."

Joyously, Alice and I smother Jason in hugs and promises to make it up to him.
"It could be waaay worse," Alice consoles him,"I could have asked you to be the surrogate father to Junior's baby or something..."

After sneaking around for an hour, skimming instructions from a box, latex glove disposal, and more rinsing than a rainstorm, we towel dried and styled Alice's hair only to find out it looked....
......
exactly the same...
litterally.
"Did you guys decide not to dye it?" Jason whispers in the kitchen later that night.
"We totally did! But this is how it turned out!" Alice rolled her eyes.
"Well...why don't we all take a moment to thank God for this non-desasterous situation? It could have been worse. Way worse."

Because we were bored at a drugstore.
Because we fealt like rebels without a cause.
Because $9 hair color is cheap for a reason.
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Never Keep A Diary.

2010-06-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

SO Here's the skinny:

Diaries are awful.
I'm terrible at keeping up with them.

I don't want to forget my youth,
But Diaries have a tendency to fall into the hands of the enemy. They're like death traps for teens.

Besides, the covers always have lame-o pictures of kittens dangling from trees ,with cliches like "HANG IN THERE BUDDY!" printed across the front.

The kind that make you think "What the CRAP does a kitten have to do with a Diary?" And then you don't want to write in them because you feel juvenile every time you see them, and you just KNOW that:

1. One day you'll leave it some place careless,
and your mom will be like "Oh what's this? A diary?"

2. Her feelings will get hurt because she'll just happen to read the page where you mention how you, believe it or not, DESPISE string beans, even though she's prepared them every night JUST FOR YOU.

3. You'll do something stupid, like take it to school, and the next thing you know, everybody has a copy of the paragraph you wrote about how hot Barry Johnson is. But Barry Johnson won't return the feelings. Or your appollogy calls

4. Diaries will give you Carpel Tunnel.

As you can see, Diaries are terrible.

So never keep one.

Because they were invented by little boys to snatch secrets from little girls.
Because You'll give yourself Carpel Tunnel.
Because That's just How It Is.

Unless you WANT to ruin your life.

How It Is- Dear Braces, I Never Loved you...

2010-06-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Braces,

Now that you are no longer on my teeth,
I believe I have some words to say to you.

I never loved you.

There, I said it.

Our four year relationship was the bane of my existence, and I can't say that I'll miss you at all, now that you're gone.

Dr. Lowder is the nicest man alive, and you have HIM to thank for keeping us together, because, had it been up to me, I would have bailed from day one.

But no, he managed to convince me that I needed you.
How could I have been so foolish?

To put it plain and simple, Braces, I used you.

I needed straight teeth, and you were there.
I wasn't in it for the friendship, I was in it for cosmetic purposes, and that was all.

You may have thought we'd build a life together, raise my wisdom teeth like a little family.

Well, you were wrong. More wrong than I've ever known you to be.

YOU WERE JUST SO NEEDY!!!
Always being glued, tightened, straightened, and replaced, you were more high maintenance than a PET.

You were so clingy that you LITERALLY cemented yourself to me.

You should be ashamed braces, But I'm not the least bit sad.

Because now I can eat movie popcorn,
Because I don't have to carry toothpicks everywhere,

Because That's just How It Is.

How It Is- "The Top Ten Things A Writer Must Know In Order To Write Good"

2010-06-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

The Top Ten Things A Writer Must Know In Order To Write Good

1. A good writer must be very detailed and specific.
(That’s pretty much it for number one.)

2. A good writer needs a strong vocabulary.
In other words, a writer should kinda talk good. People who write stuff should, like, use big words or whatever. There, like, shouldn’t be anything that sounds totally lame.

3. A good writer should paint pictures with words.
Like…instead of with paint and stuff…

4. A good writer knows how to take criticism.
Unless you don’t like what’s being said. Then you can just do whatever.

5. A good writer can find humor in everything.
Because sometimes humor is 100% necessary. . . unless you’re talking to your mom. . .because then you’ll just get grounded.

6. A good writer knows when to be serious…
NAH! Forget THAT!

7. A good writer reads frequently.
Magazines and DVD subtitles totally count.

8. A good writer practices.
Practices clogging, practices Yiddish, practices whatever. . .you get what I mean.

9. A good writer finds inspiration in everything
Like pasta. Or Canada.

And finally. . .

10. A good writer can make up a list of ten things just to make themselves feel like a better writer.

How It Is- The Top Ten Ways To Impress Cool College People

2010-06-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

1. Make up the name of a band, claim they're your favorite, and say "Oh, you mean you've never heard of them? How strange..."

2. Buy a sweater offline from a REALLY EXPENSIVE college, then purposely stain it, adding the occasional hole for effect. "Oh, this thing? Yeah, it was a gift from (insert casual first name). Oh, he's the dean."

3. Leave coffee rings on all of your notebooks.

4. If you're at a party and someone offers you a beer, say "Nah, man, sorry,I'm not a big fan of that brand."
(only if you're too embarrassed to admit you don't drink... which I don't know why anyone would be embarrassed by that. I'm quite proud...)

5. Follow really smart people on twitter (i.e. Roger Ebert) then include quotes from the really smart people in your conversations: "It's funny you should mention that, because Roger Ebert tweeted that twelve percent of all Americans (blah blah blah)..." etc.

6. "accidentally" leave copies of Rolling Stone, and Time Magazine around your dorm, (make sure to highlight sections, and have hand written notes in the margins. like: "oh, that's so true" and "I doubt Bill Gates had the same opinion on the new- age production reform"(blah blah blah) (feel free to make up big words)

7. No matter how hard you study, make people think you naturally get grades that good.

8. Change your facebook status to sound like you have inside jokes with lots of people: "Jr. Jr. is: No, you guys TOTALLY dug that Sasquatch. Don't even play rookie.LOL"

9. If you don't have any plans, invite people to do stuff last minute as if you were already doing it, and it JUST NOW occurred to you that they might want to go: "Oh, hey, dude, I was headed down to (insert cool place here) do you think you'd want to go? I mean, sorry to drop that on you last minute. It just hit me."

10. Whenever someone cool is talking to you, say "Oh haha! That's awesome, wait, hold on." and make THEM wait for YOU as you finish having a fake cellphone conversation. "Hello? Hey bro. Oh, yeah, I'm just talking to... to... what's your name again? Oh, yeah, I'm just talking to (insert cool person's name as if its not important). Yeah, okay, bye. (to cool person) Now, what were you saying?"

Congrats to Breana Patterson for winning the very first "How It Is" blog contest!!!
Her "How To Impress Cool College People" idea was used to create this entry.

Way to go :D

How It Is- Cops (true story)

2010-06-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

"Young man, please step out of the vehicle."

Those dreaded words that every driver fears.

Especially after 10:30 pm.

Especially if you're Seventeen years old.

Tyrone opened his door slowly, stepping out of the driver's seat and onto the Taco Bell parking lot.

Eddie and I remained in the van, watching.

Cop: "Young man," he shone his flashlight directly at Tyrone, "you wanna tell me where you're coming from?"

Tyrone: "Uh, Bella Vista, sir..."

Cop: "You wanna tell me where you're headed?"

Tyrone: "We were just gonna grab a few tacos and head home..."

Cop: "We? Who's WE? Open the van!"

He did. Eddie turned around in the passenger's seat, where I was in the back seat already facing the cop.

Cop: "You guys got some I.D?"

Tyrone was then approached by a second cop, who walked him back to the police cruiser, forcing him to sit on the hood.

Eddie got out his driver's license. I got out my State I.D.

Cop: "You don't got a license?"

Jr.Jr.: "Nope."

Cop: "Why not?"

Jr.Jr.: "Because I just moved from Chicago where everybody uses buses and trains...I'm also lazy..."

Cop: "You think you're pretty funny, don't you?"

Jr.Jr.: "I'm a stand-up comedian, No joke...pun intended..."

He glared, then turned to Eddie.

Cop: "Y'all got any narcotics in here?"

Eddie: "No sir."

Cop: "Got any of that LSD?"

Jr.Jr.: "BAHAHA, no." I scoffed from the back seat.

The cop took our I.D.s, walking back to the cruiser and leaving Eddie and I alone in the car.

"Actually sir," I said to Eddie, "I don't know these gentleman. You see, I'm a ten-dollar hooker, and I--"

"JR. JR.!!!" Eddie hissed, "That's SO not funny dude! For real."

Just then, the cop came back. "How do you know Tyrone?"

"We go to school with him." Eddie answered.

I picked my purse up off the floor.

Bad Idea.

Cop: "What have you got in there?"

Jr.Jr.: "Nothing really..." just then my phone rings. It's our friends we were supposed to meet up with. They were already in Taco Bell, waiting.

Cop: *shines his flashlight in my face* "You can go ahead and answer that."

Jr.Jr.: "No but it's my... Well you see he's in there but... I mean, we were supposed to..." *sigh*

Turns out, this WHOLE THING was over the fact that Tyrone had a bad tail light.

Seriously. No joke.

Our I.D's were valid, and they didn't even give him a ticket. They let him off with a verbal warning, and we were allowed to head into Taco Bell. '

Our friends were chapped because we didn't answer their phone calls. They had wanted to tell us about the "awesome cops that were doing crazy stuff on the parking lot", until they realized it was US the cops were pulling over.

When they asked what for, I just told them the cops had found out I was a prostitute burglar.

They let it go.

Because sometimes a lie is easier than the truth.

Because maybe I shouldn't try to be funny all the time.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Toilet Paper

2010-06-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

"Dude! Look." We all lean in to see what Tyrone has pulled from his bag.

BEHOLD: a roll of toilet paper.

"Why do you have a roll of toilet paper?" I ask.

"Because I stole it from Taco Bell yesterday, THAT'S WHY!" He laughs. The other guys at the table high five him. I'm the only girl in the group, and apparently I'm the only one who doesn't get the joke.

"You did what?" I question, confused.

"Dude, wait, what? Are you telling me you've never stolen a roll of toilet paper before?" Six pairs of eyes are suddenly fixed on me.

"Why would I?" I sip my latte, attempting to play it cool. I burn myself.

A hush falls over the group. Then "Dude, is she like serious?" "Bro, I think she's serious." "Seriously?" "Yeah man, for sers."

"Do it." Tyrone says.

"Yeah do it." Eddie chimes in. "Go into the bathroom, and steal the toilet paper."

"Why? What's the point!?"

"What's the point? WHAT'S THE POINT? The point is, you go in, and take the toilet paper. That way, the next person who uses the bathroom is like 'What The FREAK, where's the toilet paper???"

The table bursts out laughing.

"Wow, you guys. That is the STUPIDEST prank I've ever heard. No joke. I think you guys have just earned a medal for the most WORTHLESS practical joke ever."

They all snicker.

"Besides, the person who goes in after you probably assumes you didn't wipe."

That's when it gets quiet.

"Wait, but that would be gross..." Tyrone protests.

"Yeah, like that's seriously sick..." Eddie defends.

"I'm just saying, what are they supposed to think? I mean, if there's NO toilet paper..." I lift my steaming cup to my lips, hiding my smile. Now it's their turn to be confused.

Because it's a totally LAME prank.
Because they didn't stop to THINK about it.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Super Size Guy

2010-05-23T18:13:00.001-07:00

Okay, Super Size Guy.

I've had enough of your crap.

You pull up to the speaker, and place your order like you OWN the freaking place.

"Yeah, Gimme a super long chilli dog, with extra chilli, and extra extra cheese. And I want a double thick-burger with extra mayo and a Large Fry. No... No wait... Make that a Super Large Fry. And a diet coke. That's it."

Fine. Just peachy. Order whatever you want.

It only becomes an issue when, after trekking out to your car, in the hot and muggy summer climate (which I still have no problem with), and balancing your tripple-greasey-thick-burger-with-lard (which I'll do with a smile) you speak THESE WORDS:

"THIS DRINK AIN'T DIET."

You sit there, in your giant pickup truck, with your icy cool air conditioner, opening the lid of your XXL Grande drink, analyzing it with that disgusting sneer, as if you can tell the difference between diet and regular JUST because you looked at it.

"Take this drink back and get me a new one, cuz THIS AIN'T DIET."

Really?

Really.

Is it really going to matter?

Is the fact that your drink is diet going to save you from the massive coronary you'll get from that foot-long, cheese-chilli explosion?

Will your greasy beef patties and french fried french fries suddenly cancel out because you chose Coke Zero over Cocacola?

No.

Because That's just How It Is.

P.S. I don't appreciate you asking me to throw away your McDonald's and Wendy's trash. Thanks.

How It Is- Potty

2010-05-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

"Excuse me, Miss, Where's the nearest restroom?"

This seems like an Innocent question, right?

WRONG.

It was the worst question, and this nice lady, with her cute little boy, just HAD to ask me.

PAUSE.

REWIND.

Let me explain...

It was a regular Sunday afternoon at the mall, where (just DAYS before) my boss had SPECIFICALLY given the entire staff a speech on the importance of not telling people we have a bathroom.

WHY? Because shoppers from the mall CAREEN through our store, pushing stuff over the entire way, only to drag their screaming kid into the potty, and shove BACK through the store once their done, leaving a string of merchandise strewn in their wake.

Which is why only paying customers are supposed to use our restroom.

HOWEVER, every other store in the mall knows we have a potty.

Meaning that they send people DIRECTLY towards us.

Meaning that, not only do we get our OWN dirty diapers, but we get the ones from every OTHER store, too.

Which is why, when that nice lady asked me that simple question, I had a GIANT inner struggle. (Like the ones your English Teacher forced you to analyze in every book you ever read.)

Having an in-store potty is like a gift, and a CURSE.

But, in the end, I knew what I had to do.

"Ummmm... I think there's one at the food court..." I lied.

Because I want to keep my job.
Because the little boy didn't look like he had to pee THAT BAD.
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Huff And Puff

2010-05-05T17:53:00.000-07:00

I have a question for you, dear reader.

Why, oh why, did NOBODY feel bad for the "Big Bag Wolf"?

Why?

The poor sap was huffing and puffing!
Did it NEVER occurr to ANYONE that there might be something SERIOUSLY wrong with him?

Athsma?
Emphazema?
BRONCHITIS anyone?

Have we become so desensitized by modern society that we can't even take a split second to check on somebody else's well being?

"Well he was violent!" some say. "He was out for the kill!" I have heard.

Well, I can tell you, that if I were having a freaking CORONARY on your freaking PORCH, and you wouldn't open the freaking DOOR, then, yeah, I might make a few threats!

Could you blame me? Could you blame the Big Bad Wolf?

That brings me to a whole nother topic:
What's up with the Name calling, people?
"Big Bad Wolf"? Give me a break.

I betcha he wasn't actually that big. Never does it ever say "Oh, and BTW, this wolf was of abnormal stature".

He was a Wolf.

I betcha he had a name, too. I betcha he had a mother who loved him very much, and gave to him a name that was very noble...

Like "Charles"
or "Francis".

Poor Francis.

So, please, lets show a little respect.

Because he was just a Wolf.
Because he was probably disease ridden.
Because he had to put up with a name like FRANCIS.

Because that's just How It Is

How It Is- The Former Veggie

2010-04-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't go ONE MORE DAY of eating only vegetables.

I'd been a Vegetarian for years, but for the last month, I'd been attempting to live on a Vegan diet.

It.

Was.

Not.

Working.

And this day was the last straw.

I walked into a Subway restaurant, and I needed meat more than anything.
But It had been so long since I'd ordered anything meaty from any restaurant, I had no clue what to do.

"Ummm....give me a BLT???" I asked, unsure of my decision.

Lettuce, tomato, bacon, mustard, and light mayo.

Heaven on a sandwich.

That Bacon sandwich was the single most delicious invention on planet earth, and it was at that moment that I was no longer vegan.

or vegetarian.

I departed that establishment as a newly reformed carnivore.

Because I loved Subway.
Because I loved Bacon

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Dancing Albinos

2010-04-20T19:12:00.000-07:00

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY IDEA???" Jacob tosses his hands in the air, aghast.

"Ummmm, I just don't think that the tap dancing popes in tutus would go over well with our audience...." I shrug. It seems like a reasonable argument.

"So you hate ALL of my ideas. Great. GREAT! Fine, whatever." he crosses his arms, pouting.

"JACOB, listen, we don't hate ALL of your ideas..." Breana consoles him.

"I mean, aside from THAT one...and the naked KKK rappers...and the Irish albino blacksmith drug dealer... the rest of your ideas have been great." E.J. lied, looking to the rest of us for backup. We say nothing.

"Well none of YOUR ideas have involved pudding OR feathers. I'm SO not interested." He turns his back to the group, wallowing in his creative suppression.

"We don't have time for you to be acting this way. This thing is due tomorrow! Can we agree on something SOON?"

We've all been stuffed into my bedroom for hours. It's getting hot, and people are getting cranky. Eleven o'clock at night, and none of us have come to a solid decision for the theme of our group project.

"Okay, let's see what we've got at this point," Taylor reads from her laptop screen. "The history of Rogers and Hammerstein, postmodern music, the early cavemen, pope Gregory...." she pauses, "and that's about it...." She sighs. "We're gonna fail this you guys."

Everyone looks at each other, knowingly.

"Well," Jacob offers, after a long silence,"since we're going to fail this ANYWAY.... want to add the tap dancing popes?" He smiles sheepishly.

"GO FOR IT." Everyone gives in.

Because we only have 14 days of high school left.
Because this assignment will be the death of us all.
Because we're tired, sweaty, and burnt out.

Because that's just how it is.

How It Is- Red Sweater

2010-04-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

Okay.

Okay, so you know how you really liked that one red sweater that you saw at Kohl's last weekend?

Well, I bought it for you.

Wait, stop thanking me, you haven't quite heard me explain everything yet.

So, like I said, I bought it for you.
But then, my aunt called to remind me that my grandmother's dinner party started in twenty minutes, and that I better not be late this time "or else" .

Well, I was at the mall, meaning that It would take exactly 18 minutes to get to Granny's, and one minute to park.

But I couldn't go dressed the way I was! I had just been helping the local veterinary clinic paint their new home for abandoned puppies (as community service for my earlier teepeeing stunt), and I was covered in white paint.

So, for time's sake, the only option was to throw on that new red sweater.

Well, I was on my way to Granny' party, when I got stopped at a traffic light.

SUDDENLY, out of NOWHERE, this witch doctor started tappingon my side window.

(Yes, yes, I know, I know that's really wierd. But I swear it was a witch doctor.)

Anyway, this witch doctor says to me "beware the party of which you are about to attend!!!! The end is near!!!"

SO, I freaked out. I mean, who wouldn't, right?

So I asked the witch doctor what I had to do in order to escape this fate?

WELL, obviously, this was a very very long red light, and traffic was at an absolute stand-still, so the witch doctor had the opportunity to tell me that I had to go to the nearest gas station,fill up, then get the HECK out of dodge.

Right then , the light turned green, and I FLOORED it to the nearest White Oak Station. BUT, right when I started pumping gas, It spewed ALL OVER me, while I was WEARING the red sweater!

I know! What are the CHANCES!?

Well, there was this random guy there smoking a cigarete, causing the sweater to BURST INTO FLAMES!!!!

Luckily, I was unharmed.

But I was kicked out of the station, pulled over for driving naked, late to my grandma's, and told to go home because I was STILL naked.

I tell you all of this because I wanted you to know why I don't have your birthday present.

Sorry.

But that's just How It Is.

How It Is- My Secret Ghetto Personality Confronts A Meanie

2010-04-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, You know whaaat? Dis just ain't gonna work, okay?

Cuz I don't think you and me is on da SAME PAGE, nomsayin'?

Here you is, being all like "blah blah blah", and here I am, being all like "what?"

See what I'm sayin'?

You don't? OH YOU DON'T?

Alright, fine, then Ima just lay things out fo you straight:

I DON'T LIKE HOW YOU IS.

Thas what I been tryna say.

Cuz, you just plain mean to people. Did you ever notice tha ???

I don't think you did.

People be all like "hey man, whaddup?" and you be all like "shuddup and get outta my face."

Mos' people don't think thas very nice, oookaaay?

So startin' today, you gonna be friendly. Like Winnie The Pooh.

For realz, I ain't even playin.

Remember tha time your cousin Car-mel had said that he was goin' over to Stacy's house, but den you told him dat "oh no he ain't", and den you punched him?

Okay, so dat wasn't nice, okay? You can't do stuff like that no more. Sorry.

And remember diss:

You better leave my stuff alone like I warned you las time.

Cuz Ima cut you

An das jus How It Is

How It Is- Major Decision, Major Dilemma

2010-04-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

Darn it

Darn it darn it darn it.

Darn it.

Why does this always happen?

Right when I think the situation has made its self all better, it goes and gets all complicated.

I mean, It's simple really....

Or is it?

It can be fixed....

Or can it?

I'm now faced with two choices.

choice A:
Leave things the way they are, and discover a solution like the young adult that I am.

choice 2:
Sit here staring at this mess until I break down into a puddle on the floor, weeping.

Choice A is the more mature option, sure, but which is the most CONVENIENT? That's the real question.

Wait, what am I saying?

I can handle this.

Or can I?

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Repeat.

Darn it.

Darn it darn it darn it.

Why can't McDonald's just sell ONE kind of burger?

Because That's just How It Is

How It Is- Momma

2010-04-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

It's 1999, and I'm standing in the Principal's office with my second grade teacher, preparing to speak to my mother on the phone.

"Yes sweety?" her voice says in that I-love-you-but-why-are-you-in-the-office-with-your-teacher sort of way.

"Ummm..." I can feel my face swell up. "Well... you know how I have that test today?" I feel a tear trickle down my face.

The "Test" I'm referring to is one of those State Mandated, Score Counting, Super-Serious tests that you take pretty much in order to stay in public schools.

"Yessss." she coos again in that voice.

"Well...Well" I start to cry "I didn't know what to do so I just filled in the bubbles!" which came out sounding more like:

"ididntknowwhattodosoijustfilledintheBUBBLES!!!!"

There's a sigh on the line "Sweety, you know how every day you eat eggs, and toast, and orange juice for breakfast?"

"Yeah." I sniffle, sounding more like "Ngheah-huh". My teacher rolls her eyes and hands me a tissue to clean up the snot running down my face. I grip the phone tighter to my head.

"Well," my mom continues,"I make breakfast for you so that you don't get sleepy in class, and so that you can remember everything that you've learned."

I nod.

(I was in second grade, okay? I didn't know she couldn't see me. Get over it.)

"So you see? That's why you shouldn't just fill in the bubbles. It's important that you read all the questions, and pick the best choices."

"O-o-okay mama." I stammer.

"Okay, now you go back to class, and try this again. I love you."

"I love you too, mama." I wipe my face with my hands, and my hands with my sweater.
"Oh, mama?"

"Yes Sydney?"

"Well, I went to the library today...and...and..."

"And?"

There's an inaudible squeak which is supposed to be my voice.

"What happened at the library today?"

"They wouldn't let my check out the zoo book because...because... because I owe a FINE." I begin to suffer tremendous, heaving sobs.

"Sweety, listen to me. How much is the fine?"

"five cents." I sob.

"Okay, it's alright.It's going to be okay. I'll give you five cents tomorrow, and you can take it to the library, okay? And then we can read the zoo book together, okay?"

"Okay mama."

I don't remember much about the rest of that day.
Only that I went back to class,took the rest of the test, and went home to eat a snack.

The next day, I DID get that zoo book, and , If I remember correctly, It was a darn good one, too. Worth all five cents.

Because I was a little kid.
Because I wanted to make my mama happy.
Because Mama was right, everything would be okay.

Because That's just How It Is.

Happy Birthday Mama.

How It Is- My Secret Ghetto Personality Confronts a Former Friend

2010-04-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

Escume Sir.... ESCUME SIR!

Why we ain't talk no more!?

Is it something I said? Is it cuz my BREF STANK?

Do I talk too loud? CUZ IF I DO I'M SORRY BOUT DAT!!!

Oh... Oh wait I get it...

I's her, aint it. I's that chick you be datin' for...like... eternity, right?

She had foun' out we was frens, and she be JEALOUS.

Well guess what, I don't give a KERR what she thanks, cuz we was just friends, and thas IT.

So did she say she didn't like me? Is that what it was?

That day you call me up and be like "Girl you know I love you, but we can't be friends no more." and I be like "Are you FOR REAL!?

That hurt, brother. That hurt my heart bad.

Cuz when you say that too me, it makes me feel like I done something wrong. And I believed you, too.

Here we are, graduating in twenty five DAYS, and I can't even come close to you for fear that she gonna BITE ME or somethin'.

Thas just sad...

But here's my message to you, homie.

I wanna be your fren. I still do. You know you felt like you could tell me ERVATHANG, and thas not something you can do with many people.

So, whenever you ready to start sayin' hi to me in the hallway, you let me know.

Cuz True frens take each other back no matter what.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Letters to a Liar Liar Pants On Fire

2010-04-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Liar liar pants on fire,

Why did you have to lie?

I hate lying, But I don't hate liars. Because God says it's a sin to hate.

But it's also a sin to tee pee an old folks home...and steal a puppy....

Not to say that two wrongs make a right or anything.... but yeah, they kinda do.

But we aren't talking about me, here, we're talking about YOU.

You with your two-faced self. And not the cool kind of two-face (example: bad guy in batman) but the bad kind of two faced (like the kind where you're WITH one guy, but decide to have ANOTHER guy on the side because you just love, love, love to flirt... which is exactly what you did to my brother...)

I mean, I've got to hand it to you, you sure had EVERYONE fooled for a very long time. Little Miss I'm-super-duper-sweet.

But you know what else is sweet? Anti-freeze. That doesn't mean you should drink it.*

So WHY ON EARTH would you brag about kissing two different guys, (both of whom you've convinced are in an exclusive relationship with you) right out in public where you can be overheard by EVERYONE.

Including the sister of one of those two victims.

Not a smart move, my friend, not a smart move at all.

I hope you understand the saying "what goes around comes around."

You mess with me, fine, whatever, I can deal. (which is a good thing, because you do mess with me. ALL THE TIME. So STOP.)

But You mess with my FAMILY, and you've pushed a whole new button, my little Chiquita Banana.

So let me ask you this:

If you're willing to cheat on a guy ( don't deny it, because I've seen you do it before you'd ever even SPOKEN to my brother) then what makes you think that a guy won't cheat on YOU?

Because you're special?
Because you're tiny and pretty?

Or is it because that's just how it is?

Sometimes I wonder if you didn't PUSH me on the ice that day in seventh grade.

* I'm not even kidding when I say that antifreeze has been proven to have a sweet taste. That's why people who are being poisoned with it don't notice untill it's too late. I learned that on 48 hrs and CSI.

How It Is- Thirteen Years in the Making...

2010-03-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

So, after 13 self conscious years in public school, here's what I've FINALLY discovered:

I can't drive
But I CAN separate egg yolks from the whites

I can't pass Algebra III
But I CAN quote Monty Python to rival any guy in my class

I can't sing
But I CAN write a rap so crazy it will make your head spin... homie

I can't tell you who the general was that lead the battle of Buffalo Creek
But I CAN tell you fifty things you didn't know about Koi fish.

I can't fit into anything size 0
But I CAN put away a five dollar foot long faster than you can recite the Alphabet
(especially BLT)

I can't fit in with a group of private school girls in NY
But I CAN work my southern drawl to any advantage I want.
( And, let me tell you, it works every time.)

I can't be serious about ANYTHING. EVER.
But I CAN be the first one to say out loud what everyone else in the room is thinking

I can't make everyone else happy all the time
But I CAN be confident, and love myself for who I am.

Because what the mean girls think has never mattered.
Because I'm happy being myself.
Because I'm Unique.

Because that's just How It Is.

http://twitter.com/SydneyDavisJrJr

How It Is- Letters to a Stalker

2010-03-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

Letters to a stalker

Dear Stalker,

Listen, I really appreciate the roses on my doorstep, and the note signed "Secret Admirer".
I enjoyed the chocolates on my desk at work, and the fact that I don't have to trim my hedges anymore.

Really, your efforts have been noted.

But here's the thing, I kinda drew the line at the whole "killed-my-neighbor's-dog" incident last week. I mean, yeah, I'd made the comment "stupid dog I'm gonna kill you" when he woke me up at three in the morning, but I never meant it literally.

Besides, you never would have even known about that if you hadn't bugged my house and tapped my phone line.

See what I mean?

I promise I'm not mad, I just wanted to bring these issues to your attention.

Thank you for your understanding.

P.S. Also, the flames from your shrine are really bright, so do you mind putting those out around... oh... I don't know, maybe three or four a.m.? Thanks!

http://twitter.com/SydneyDavisJrJr

How It Is- Perfection

2010-03-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

I walk into the gas station, and observe the scene.

There's the mandatory assortment of absolutely-delicious-but-will-kill-you-with-one-bite debbie cakes, and a library of cigarettes.

The wall's paint is peeling, and the lights look like they were constructed from nothing but cobwebs and pre-chewed gum.

Yet there's no sign of the one thing that I need most desperately in the world.

Then I spot it.

"Restrooms" read the sign, and I wasted no time, hauling booty to the nearest door.

After a ten minute game of "try to turn on the sink and open the door without actually touching it with your hands" , I emerge, and decide now would be the best time to pay for the ten dollars in gas I'd pumped earlier.

At first, there's no sign of anyone behind the counter. Then, I hear her speak.

"Whaddayawant!?" Heaves the ginormous woman who'd been sitting in an old, rusty, stretched out lawnchair, observing me. She flicks her cigarette.

Flick.

She's wearing a tweety bird t-shirt displaying "Don't mess with Perfection" across the bust.

Trust me, Perfection, I'm not going to mess with you.

"I just want to pay for the gas." I squeak.

She glares at me. Just then, an older, rail-thin man stumbles out of the restroom labeled "mens".

"Hey Peggy!" He screams, as if she isn't right there. "Where's the plunger? I just clogged the toilet!"

"WHAT!?" Peggy/Perfection asks, eye's still on me. Flick.

"I SAID, WHERE'S THE PLUNGER!? I JUST CLOGGED THE TOILET!!!!"

"IT'S IN THE BACK!!!" Peggy/Perfection screams, still sitting in her chair, without the least bit of an effort to stand and approach the register.

He goes to the back. "HOLY CRAP! DID YOU SEE THESE RATS BACK HERE!? HOLY CRAP, I HOPE THEY DIDN'T TAKE A CRAP IN THE FRIDGE AGAIN!"

I suddenly lost my appetite for any debbie cakes I might have considered buying.

Silently, I place my money on the counter, turn around on my heels, and exit the building.

Because cobwebs vreep me out.

Because I think I'll need a tetanus shot.

Because I'll never eat anything else ever again for the rest of my life.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Zeebuh

2010-03-23T22:25:00.000-07:00

"Hey, Hey Neil, look! It's a zebra. Want to buy a zebra?" We're outside of a thrift store window, and there's a giant zebra in the window.

"Well," he says, "I already have twelve of them... BUT, I wouldn't dislike having a thirteenth one.."

"A Baker's dozen." I say.

"Yes, Yes..." He says"OR what we could do is buy the zebra, and then figure out a custody plan afterward..."

"True, True." I nodd. "But then wouldn't we be pretty much paying for that zebrah for the rest of our lives? What with shipping every other weekend and all."

"Aha..." He strokes his chin. "OR we could cut the zebrah in half. One of us gets the tail end, the other gets the head..."

"What we COULD do is not buy the zebrah at all." I offer.

"No, that won't do." He agrees. "HOWEVER, if we split the zebrah down the MIDDLE, that way we each get half the face, half the back, etc., THENwe would be equal."

We both ponder this for a moment.

"You know..." I say, after a moments silence, "there's always the option of splitting the zebra down the middle, and NOT buying it..."

He frowns. "So you say that we should walk into the shop, find the zebra, split it in half, and leave it there?"

"Yes."

"I like that. It's a fair compromise."

Because we both want the zebra.

Because neither one of us want to purchase the zebra.

Because 1/2 a zebra is cooler than a whole of a zebra.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- The No-No Zone

2010-03-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

Location: McDonald's. Chicago Illinois. 60614

"Hey..." my friend Neil turns to me, furrowing his brows. "where's my tea?"

"Your what?" I ask, having been oblivious to the current situation at hand.

"My tea." he repeats. "I ordered a sweet tea and they never gave it to me." He looks back at the counter. "wait, I think I see it."

We return to the counter, and immediately spot our target: one large sweet tea.

And it's just sitting there. Doing that sweaty thing drinks do when they need to be drank....drinked... drink-ed....

And it's close enough to reach. But it's still behind the counter. The no-no zone. (Like when you were little, and you wanted to wander off, but your mom would always say "No no.")

"should I just reach over and grab it?" Neil asks.

I ponder for a second. "Yeah, I think it would be okay..."

"But... But what if I reach over and grab it, and it's not mine? I mean, I know it IS mine, but, you know... what if?" We look at each other with great concern.

The threat of crossing the no-no zone looms heavy in the air.

Just then, an employee approaches the counter with a tray of food. He slides it to the people next to us.

"Ask him." I whisper. "Dang... he walked away. You let him walk away."

"I did NOT. It just happened.... should I reach over and grab it now?"

But before we could make our decision, the employee returns. He looks at Neil, looks at the tea, picks it up, and hands it over.

And just LIKETHAT, the situation is over.

Because we're two 18 year olds who can't make up our minds.
Because we STILL can't cross the no-no zone.
Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- I Will Not (Top Ten)

2010-03-20T19:22:00.001-07:00

I Will Not:

Stop eating seaweed because other people think it's nasty.
Wear a skirt when it's still cold outside just to impress a guy.
Wear a string bikini, thankyouverymuch.
Give up coloring books and crayons even though I'm 18.
Stop pretending that I'm Scottish around customers.
Stop wearing too much makeup.
Grow up when I'm a grown-up
Be Serious
Smoke Hookah
Have children. EVER.

Because I'm a brat? No.

Because I'm a rebel? No.

Because I want attention? No. Maybe.

Why will I not do these things?

Because That's Just How It Is.

How It Is- I'm Sorry

2010-03-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

Okay okay okay!

Fine, whatever, I'll say it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I called you fat that time. (But, really, you could lay off of all the snacking.)

I'm sorry I told you that you smelled bad. (But, I mean, seriously, it was embarrassing. people were staring. I don't know why you freak out at the thought of a shower.)

I'm sorry that I kicked you out for a week straight because you wouldn't stop hogging the covers. (But it's still not cute, so knock it off already.)

I'm sorry that I'm disgusted by the way you eat, and how lazy you are, and I'm sorry that I push you off the couch because you're sitting in "my spot."

I don't know why I take all of my frustrations out on you.

I mean, after all, you're just a dog.

But that's just How It Is

How It Is- Nobody Eats Aardvarks (Letters to E.J.)

2010-03-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

Herro E.J.!

Heddo Junior Junior.

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

A WOMBAT. They rock.

Those look like giant hamsters! I would be a regular rabbit. Like, the front yard kind. Nobody ever tries to eat those.

Well,nobody ever tries to eat wombats either...just the sound of them is extremely unappetizing...

Wait, I change my mind. I'd be an African Lion... or a Panda bear...

I would want to be something that eats other animals, but can't get eaten... like an Eagle...

Or a Shark!

Or a...ummm.... Leopard or something...

Or an Aardvark! Who eats Aardvarks? Nobody, THAT'S who. And, you'd get to stick your nose in anthills without getting tickled...

Or a weasel. I mean, yeah, they are very weasel-y, but what kind of animal would eat one? Gross.

But they're smelly. Nobody else would want to hang out with you except other weasels. And who wants to hang out with weasels? Nobody that's who.

What about skunks, huh? I mean, I'm sure OTHER SKUNKS can handle the smell. Maybe they even get enjoyment from it. Ever thought about that???

Are you saying that weasels and skunks should hang out together because they both smell??? That's like saying a German kid and a Hispanic kid should hang out because they're both foreign exchange students!!! They would have absolutely nothing in common....

2010-03-13T20:30:00.000-08:00

How It Is- Kitty Pictures

2010-03-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

My mom walks in the room.

"Hey!" she says, "Your grandmother thought you might want this." she hands me a photo. "she was so excited when she found it. She knew you'd love it."

In the picture, there's a fluffy white cat laying in a drain pipe among sticks and leaves. It's looking up at the camera with no particular emotion displayed on it's face. Just like a regular cat.

"Oh..." I said.

"Don't you remember it?" Mom asks.

"Uh..." I say. "What is it?"

"It's all your fault, that's what it is." she chuckles. "When you were little, this stray cat used to come around all the time. You would always force your grandmother to take pictures of it and feed it. She thought for sure you'd be so excited when you saw this picture." my mom sighs, "I guess she'll be dissapointed to hear you've forgotten."

I suddenly pictured my little old grandmother on her sofa, crying because her granddaughter didn't remember the very special times they used to share together.
She'd probably throw away the rest of the photos, and any other memorabilia of the grandchild that failed her the most in life.

The one granddaughter who she hadn't given up on yet despite the fact that:
1. Instead of playing soccer, joined drama.
2. Instead of being #1 in class, had settled for 575 out of 800.
3. Instead of being Catholic, was Baptist.
4. Intstead of settling down for a nice normal Arkansas life, had thrown everything away and moved to Chicago and become a comedian at age 16.

But this, this was the last straw.

"UH, no, wait, yeah, I remember." I lied. "I used to pet it...and stuff..."

"Yep, that's the one." My mother smiled. "I can't wait to tell her."

I sighed. I hadn't let grandma down again. She'll still love me, despite everything, and she might even let me come over to her house some more.

Because I remembered the stupid fluffy cat.

I guess I'm still on her good side.

That is, untill she discovers that I don't want children.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Top Quotes This Week

2010-03-06T10:56:00.000-08:00

1. "He's like a puppy. No matter how hard you kick him, he just keeps coming back..."
- Scott Sullivan

2. "Then God created Saturn, and he liked it, so he put a ring on it..."
-Allie A.'s Facebook status

3. "Yeah, I know! It's crazy! And what's even crazier is that Texas wants to become it's own STATE! Stupid right?... wait..."
-Anonymous guy in my Economics class

4. "Whats the worst part about dating 'Junior Junior'? Telling your dad you're GAY!"
-Alex L.

5. "I saw this scarf, and I thought 'What kind of freak would buy this ugly disgusting piece of crap?' so I bought it. I'm homosexual. I can pull it off."
-Jacob S.

6. "Somebody's going to dissapear tonight." *glares*
-Tony Tran

7. " YOU NEED TO EAT MORE BISKETTI! YOU'RE TOO SKINNY! EAT MORE PASTA! HOW's YOUR BROTHER!?!?!?"
-Kaitlin R.

8. "Girl, I like the way you read. I saw you reading from across the room, and I was like 'Oh Yeah.'"
-Christina H.

9. "Stop talking! Where's that retainer? Why ain't you wearing it? WHERE'S THAT RETAINER!?"
-Alexa A.

10. You mean that girl my mother told me not to hang out with because she's LOOSE!?
-Sydney D.

How It Is- Doughnuts

2010-03-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

I walk into the doughnut shop,and take a good look around.

With the exception of one man sipping coffee at the counter, and an employee restocking the glass doughnut case, the place is empty.

I approach the counter.

"Hi," I say.

Blink. Blink. The employee just stares at me.

"I would like to buy some doughnuts." I try.

Blink.Blink.

"You know, Doughnuts like the ones you sell? DOUGHNUTS!?"

"OH!" says the employee,"Doughnuts? Why didn't you just say so? Of course."

He leads me over to the glass case.

"Which kind would you like?" He asks.

"Hmmm..." I ponder for a bit. "I'll take the orange creams."

"Nope." He says.

"Excuse me?"

"We don't have any orange creams."

"Yes you do, they're right there." I point.

"Nope. " He says. "All out."

"You didn't even LOOK." I protest. "See? right there? Orange cream."

Blink. Blink.

*SIGH* "OKAY, Okay, FINE. I'll take the ones with the strawberry frosting and sprinkles."

"Nope." He says, staring straight ahead. "All out."

"No you're NOT!" I feel as if I could pull my hair out in clumps. "Right there! It says right THERE! 'strawberry frosted'."

Blueberry, and Caramel, Apple Cinnamon, Original. You name it, he doesn't have it Even though he DOES.

The old man, who had previously been silently reading his newspaper at the counter, turns to me.

"HEY PAL! If the guy says he ain't got any, then HE AIN'T GOT ANY. Alright?"

I spin around. "YOU listen to ME, GRAMPS. I've been running on empty for a week straight, and I WANT MY DOUGHNUTS. Now, unless you have anything ELSE to say, then I suggest spit your teeth out, close your mouth, and keep on reading!"

I never realized being punched could hurt so much.

The next thing I know, I'm sitting in the Emergency room having my jaw wired shut.
After picking up my new prescription, and calling off of work, I arrive home to find a mysterious box on my porch.

In it, there's a dozen orange cream doughnuts, and a note that says "ENJOY."

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Nails

2010-02-27T21:46:00.001-08:00

Ooookay, so I'm just like every other human being in that, when I get stressed, I bite my nails.

Guilty as charged.

soooo this weekend I knew I was going to have to see someone who hasn't exactly been friendly to me lately, a situation which I KNEW would lead to cuticle destruction.

So I put on fake nails.
Like, the $6.00, seven-day, Wal-Mart kind.

They looked BEAUTIFUL.

However this afternoon,

ONE

POPPED

OFF.

Just LIKETHAT.

So you know what I did?

I decided to seek revenge.
I plucked the rest of the nails loose, and I put them in a baggie. (it was 100% pain free, so stop gagging.)

Then, I carefully took the baggie into the facility's Cafeteria, dump it's contents onto a plate of nachos belonging to the aforementioned person, and walked away unnoticed.

Why?

Because you shouldn't be mean to a girl.

Especially if that girl didn't do anything to deserve your 'tude.

Because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Chocolate Factory

2010-02-21T09:48:00.000-08:00

So... I just got a second job at a chocolate factory, and I'm really excited because I know it's going to be TONS OF FUN. (I used to work there two years ago, before I moved. No, I didn't get fired. Don't judge me.)

Yesterday was CRAY-ZAY busy, because people kept ordering dipped strawberries and sliced caramel apples with various toppings.

Which I don't mind. They're just tough to make.

THEN, somebody said IT.

"I bet this spring you guys are going to be selling TONS of easter candy, right?"

Never have I wanted to punch somebody SO HARD.

It's not easter that I have a problem with at all. If easter had been in the summer, winter, or even the fall, I'd be totally cool with that.

But IT'S SPRING.

The cheerful little yellow and pink baskets.

Horrid dresses, made of nothing but bows and taffeta, that your mother makes you wear even though it itches and scratches every time you movie (so that your dumb cousin, LESTER, can chase you around with worms, but you can't run away.)

AND THE SMUG LITTLE BABY CRITTERS

Needless to say, I didn't want to lose my job, so I just smiled, handed them their snickers-peanut-butter-explosion-caramel apple, and sent them on their way.

But I hope that the next person who even MENTIONS spring gets to choke on one of these:

Because I'm a terrible person? No, but because that's just How It Is.

How It Is- Spring Bah-Humbug

2010-02-17T15:36:00.001-08:00

It Is Official.

I am a Spring Bah-Humbug.

I. Hate. Spring.
It's the most OBNOXIOUS time of year.

Summer? Yeah, we're cool.
Autumn? My personal fave. SO BEAUTIFUL.
Winter? A little chilly, but I love turtle necks, so that's no biggie.

But SPRING????
It's not even here, and yet I already LOATHE it.

THE REASONS I HATE SPRING

Reason #1:

THESE

THESE MAKE ME SICK.
They are SO cute, and SO helpless, and they make me feel guilty about things I didn't even DO.

Go away baby animals. Why don't you just GROW UP

Reason #2

THIS CRAP

It gets EVERYWHERE, and It STAYS there!
In your hair,
In your clothes,
even in your MOUTH, and half the time, the easter grass you pull out of your mouth isn't even the same kind you had in your basket to BEGIN with.

Reason #4

Uhhhhh Yeah, need I say more?

The thing about spring is, It's warm enough to go outside, but it's too cold to wear summer clothes.

So you're hanging out with relatives
Who think you're too old too hunt eggs,
but too young to join in on the conversation,
but too old to wear pink,
but too young to wear whatever it is you're wearing
(even though you're two years older then they were when they got MARRIED)

And they don't want to cut into the cake or pour any iced tea untill your cousin
LEROY get there, and you try to remind them that cousin LEROY is in jail right now, and that even BEFORE he was in jail, he never showed up anyway, so can you PLEASE have some iced tea now?, they look at you like you just said you hated Jesus or something

And they make you wait untill everyone else has gotten their food.
Even the babies.
Only to tell you that, sorry, you aren't allowed to sit at the grown-up's table.

(even though cousin KATHLEEN is, and she's only fourteen. But I guess since I don't have a baby yet, I'm not mature enough to sit there.)

Because That's Spring.

And that's just How It Is.